The Passing of Dawn

I have only just now gathered up the emotional strength to write this blog.

Dawn, whom I referred to in a previous post (http://camillespaulding.blogspot.com/2009/01/dawn-hot-like-peppa.html) passed away in late November.

As mentioned, I met Dawn in January of this year and was instantly struck by her positive aura and her love for herself and for life. I was momentarily crippled with shock and grief when her passing was revealed to me, and though I have not known her for very long, her passing has touched me in a profound way. I refused to really come to terms with it before, but I recognise that in order to heal, I must face the fact head-on.

And so today I celebrate Dawn's extraordinary life. A life she lived to the fullest. A life she lived on her terms. A life that touched so many others in very positive and beautiful ways. A life gone too soon...

DBJ

My hubby and I always crack up whenever we hear ‘DBJ’. Hardly a moment goes by when we hear on the news, “Development Bank of Jamaica (DBJ)”, and we don’t both keel over in stitches.

What is the story behind DBJ? What exactly is DBJ? Unfortunately, I can’t reveal. That’s our little secret. But I can attest that in times of tension, the letters DBJ, when combined in that particular order, always seem to melt us.

As a couple, we have many moments of laughter, moments of tension, moments where we look towards the future with anticipation and at the same time, moments of disbelief that the one we love so much can tick us off so greatly. (We both are guilty of being royal pains in the others’ rear end).

But to ease the tension, we look forward to the next moment we will hear something like, “I’m passing the stoplight by DBJ”, or “On the news tonight, Development Bank of Jamaica, DBJ…").

What makes you and your other half crack up? What is your DBJ?

Be Still...

I can hardly find the words to describe my feelings right now. Relief. Accomplishment. Thankfulness. Those are just a few of the emotions I’ve felt since 10:00am today. “What happened at 10:00am?” you ask? I managed to clear two of my debts that have been outstanding for over a year. Immediately upon leaving the bank, I felt relieved. I felt slightly taller. And despite having very little left to tide me over until next payday thirty days away, I felt good. Independent even. I am now just about 46 rungs below debt-free. I still have a way to go, but I’m still climbing.

It is so freeing when you have rid yourself of some form of baggage, whether it be emotional, financial or other. You are able to sleep better, you are able to think clearer, you are able to plan better, and generally speaking, you are just better.

When you are in debt, your debt will seem huge, almost insurmountable. But you’ll manage to get out of the rut. “How?” you may ask? I did it. By simply repeating and believing my daily mantra, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. But in all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path.”

It wasn’t easy. There were lots of scrimping, saving, and doing without. There were days when I really needed that Devon House ice-cream cone to take my worries away, and had to do without. But I trusted that one day, I would get over the hurdle. At times when it all seemed too unbearable, in the stillness, I heard a gentle whisper, “Be still and know that I am God”. Psalm 46:10.

So while you face this economic turmoil, take a moment. To be still. And to know… that He is God. You will make it out of the rut too.

Stop, Breathe and Relax

The past few months have been extremely difficult for me. Pursuing 2 modules of a Master’s Programme simultaneously, while working and juggling the needs and desires of self, family and friends has taken a serious toll on me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. So much so, that with three modules left before completing the MBA, I have found myself resolving to put off doing those three modules until next year this time, foregoing graduating with dear friends, foregoing the celebration that would no doubt come upon completion of an intense 19 month course.

Two evenings ago, after a stressful day, I sat in my car and had a good cry. I felt like I was a pot reaching my boiling point – so much to do, so much to accomplish in such little time, so much to understand, so much to deliver. So much.

This morning, I experienced those same feelings again. So much to do, so much to deliver, such little time.

In a frantic state, I e-mailed my lecturer, requesting his telephone number so I could speak with him. He e-mailed me back offering to call me. As I responded to him in another e-mail, I started to express how I was feeling, and as I typed, it occurred to me that I was feeling better by the minute.

I revisited what happened from when I started to type my response to him, to when I started to feel better. The first thing I did was take a break from the research I was conducting and e-mailed him. I stopped.

I stopped feeding the task at hand with frantic energy.

Before responding to him, I took a deep breath and then exhaled. I breathed. An in that breath, in that moment, I relaxed. Then I began my response to him.

Though it has been one hour since I relaxed, I still feel the need to take a complete break from this Programme. Sunday will mark the last day of the current module and I am seriously contemplating deferring until next year November – for my piece of mind, for my sanity, for my health, for me.

When Messages Reach The Unintended Recipient

A funny thing happened last evening. It was Saturday night and my study group met to finalise a presentation we were to make in class the following day. One group member was out sick, so four of us met to tackle the assignment at hand.

At around 6:30pm, I got a call from my hairstylist informing me that she was now ready to see me. After the phone call, I announced to the group that I had to leave as I would be out of town next week, and wanted my hair to be manageable, Without my visit to my stylist on that night, I could just forget about manageability of my hair.

After getting home at 9:00pm that night, I opened my e-mail to the following unedited mail:-

“another JOKE....camille says she has to leave to go to the hair dresser cuz she has to go out ofd town on monday. im dying...this is totally hialriuos....I just announced im not speaking tomorrow..so they better sort them self out ..... I will keep u posted. Nik is doing such a good job at managing us....she adorable.

Nik says she will start off the discussions...... and dodge and cam need to be there to speak also....

this is so funnyyyyy....them wont even say mek them go home and take the presentation and study it......

ms camille goin hair dresser ..so she cool “

It seems that one of my group members tried to send this e-mail to the group member that was absent, giving her blow-by-blow commentary on what was taking place in the meeting.

I must admit I was livid upon reading it, and I immediately fired off the following e-mail to the original sender:-

“(name of individual),

This was probably sent to me in error.

Camille”

I went to bed with an upset spirit. My thought was, “if she had a problem with me going to the hairstylist, why not say so to me last night? Why be so ‘underhanded’ and ‘gossipy?

I felt angry beyond words. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind!

I woke up this morning with the same feeling. I went to class and saw her face, and became increasingly angry. I later checked my e-mail and saw where her latest response to me was, “Maybe, maybe not”.

I laughed, and in that moment, I recognised that my response (laughter) was a conscious choice that I made. I refused to allow her to further get my goat. I had a wonderful day, leaving that person in her space, and I revelled in mine.

At times, things get to you so much that you are blinded by rage. Choose today to laugh instead of taking ‘it’ on. Never allow anyone (particularly those not worth it), to get you angry. Thanks to my friend Marguerite, I am now spending the remainder of my week ... Free and Laughing.

Jamaican Pride

As I watch the 9th staging of the IAAF games this year being held in Berlin, I beam with pride. Our Jamaican athletes are doing so well. Today, Jamaica holds the most medals – and we are poised to have at least 2 more added to the count.

I beamed with pride when Usain Bolt smashed his own record in both the 100m and 200m events. I beamed with pride when Melaine Walker won the gold in the 400m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Asafa Powell took the bronze medal in the 100m. I beamed with pride and cried along with Bridgitte Foster-Hylton when she won the gold medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Deloreen Ennis-London copped the bronze medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Shelly-Ann Fraser won the 100m and I beamed even brighter when Kerron Stewart won the silver medal in the same race. With all that said, I am outshining and out-beaming the sun.

It is a joy to watch as our flag is raised in the stadium in Berlin, and listen to our national anthem, “Jamaica, land we love”. It is a beauty to see the love and support the fans have for the Jamaican athletes. Everyone now wants a piece of Jamaica!

I continued to beam this morning when I logged on to msn and there listed as the most searched people, was our very own, Usain Bolt! What a joy! What pride I feel! I’ve used the word ‘pride’ eight times so far, because I can’t think of another word that would capture exactly how I feel.

As I revel in the excitement around me, and anticipate the running of the women’s 200m and the relays, I grin from ear to ear. My eyes light up. I stand taller. My shoulders are back. My chest is out. I’m bubbling inside. All because of my Jamaican pride.

Inauthenticity

My Wednesday nights are mine. Mine alone. Mine for one reason. So You Think You Can Dance.

And last Wednesday, I was so blessed to have witnessed a Contemporary piece choreographed by Tyce Diorio and performed by top 6 finalists, Ade and Melissa.

This piece chronicles the life of a woman struggling with breast cancer. Though I have not gone on this journey with anyone, what I saw in the dance was Melissa and Ade separately dealing with the seven stages of grief:

1 - Shock & Denial
2 - Pain & Grief
3 - Anger & Barganing
4 - Depression, Rejection & Loneliness
5 - The Upward Turn
6 - Reconstruction & Working Through
7 - Acceptance & Hope

I have posted the link here and invite you to view this very moving piece:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKxoCxalyWw&feature=related

During the execution of the piece, I found myself tearing up, but I held back, because of the presence of my boyfriend. He has often told me that he sees me as strength personified - through adversities, I have kept my composure and I have persevered through all obstacles. I feared that if he saw me crying, he would think less of me.

I happened to be at my dear friend Sandra's home on Thursday night, and we watched the elimination show together. We both discussed the effect the piece had on us, and I admitted that I held back my tears, because of my boyfriend's presence. Sandra, who is just as (if not more) emotional than me, had cried (bawled, as she put it), and after listening to how I handled the piece, simply asked, "But Camille, isn't that being inauthentic?" And she was right. I was being inauthentic on Wednesday night. I felt moved to tears but held back, because of the ego. It is so good to have friends who are in the same space as you are. Friends who are not afraid to coach you into seeing things and situations for what they are. Friends who are not afraid to point out that maybe, just maybe, you handled a situation from an unconscious place.

Today I had a discussion with my boyfriend about how I felt on Wednesday night, and admitted to him that I so wanted to cry. That I too, am human. I too am vulnerable. I too am imperfect. He was very supportive, admitting that he had not realised that the demeanour I had put on was a mask. He was fooled then, but now expressed his love for and support of me, by stating that crying isn't a sign of weakness and I should never feel that I can't cry in his presence if I wanted or needed to. I exhaled and looked at the piece again, and this time - I cried.

When one door closes...

A friend of mine always says, “the only thing that remains constant is change”. Another friend of mine puts a different spin on it, affirming that “when one door closes, another will open”.

As humans, our nature is to resist change. Resist it at all costs. We see it daily in our workplaces, and we see it in our personal and social lives.

I have witnessed a number of changes in my own life over the past few months – changes that I have fought tooth and nail to resist. As recently as this week, I found myself in a state of depression over these changes – three days of seven, were spent in an almost comatose state, shutting out everybody and everything that matters to me, pondering, feeling anxiety, and sometimes, quite frankly, feeling sorry for myself. It was only until I was speaking with another friend of mine this morning, did I realise how needed change is.

While she and I are undergoing life changes simultaneously, the deeper nature of those changes differ. We coach each other through our situations, and we understand each other and each other’s wants and needs.

Being accustomed to a particular situation, we are now both surprised and dis-illusioned after discovering that this great change has occurred – seemingly overnight. Were we blind? Did we not see it coming? We ponder these and other questions, and as we do so, we tend to blame ourselves for not recognizing before-hand the things that didn’t ‘add up’ in this situation. We give our energy to this change that has already occurred, but we hadn’t seen coming, and wonder, “what happened?”

But we now need to focus our energies on embracing the current changes. We ought to recognise all the positives that will come with these changes and not dwell on the things we are losing because of the change.

This period is a new beginning. Only the chapter ends, not the book. We have the opportunity to expand our horizons and experience things we have never experienced before

We both are very blessed to have people who love us and care deeply for us in our lives, people who will always be there for us and we both are healthy, strong and vibrant women.

And so, today we acknowledge that there are no coincidences. Change can truly be a wonderful gift and we vow to embrace the changes we are faced with, with energy, passion and intensity.

Ten Guidelines from God

My dear friend (and boss extraordinaire) Marguerite, sent me a beautiful e-mail today, which I wish to share. It's entitled, 'Ten Guidelines from God'.

Effective Immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines

1. QUIT WORRYING:

Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:

Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME:

Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:

Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:

I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy.. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control.. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:

I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE:

You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:

I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:

Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:

As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget......

I must admit that there are many times that I have worried, lost trust, lost faith and lost patience - as recently as last month. But this is a very strong reminder that when things seem out of control, quit worrying, put it on the list, trust Him, leave it alone, talk to Him, have faith, share, be patient, be kind, and love yourself.

Letting Go - the ultimate act of release

One of the things I struggle with is the act of letting go. Most recently I held on to an issue I was faced with – held on for dear life, held on like there was no tomorrow, held on to it like it was the air I breathed, my bread and butter. After working myself up to a frenzy, this energy and effort ultimately manifested in physical illness.

While trying to nurse myself back to health, I realised that the more I held on to this issue, the more ill I became.

Letting go is the natural release which follows the realization that holding on is an energy drain - and quite frankly, it really hurts – physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Not only that, but dependent on the issue, it may lead you to a state where you view yourself as a victim.

I spent the latter part of my day activating the ‘feel better’ controls. No ladies - not chocolate or ice-cream. I had a good cry. Not what my mother would call “the cow bawling”, nor the kicking and screaming as I was known to do as a child when I wanted my own way. I simply took a moment of solitude and had a healthy cry.

And just like that…I released it.

"Anyway"

At my Graduation Ceremony last month, our guest speaker (unfortunately her name escapes me right now), read a poem entitled “Anyway” by an unknown author.

The poem resonated with me and I'm sure with many people in the audience. There are various versions to this poem, but I have chosen this particular one, to share with you today, with the hopes that the poem will inspire you.

"Anyway "
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some genuine enemies; Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you; Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years building, could be destroyed overnight; Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten tomorrow; Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world your best anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them... anyway.

Mature and Authentic Friendships

I’ve been thinking lately about friendship and what makes it so powerful. Friendship is a unique bond, somewhat hard to describe in academic terms or even to contain with words, but in it we find peace, rest and comfort.

For me, a prerequisite for mature and authentic friendships is getting beyond our narcissism enough to value and respect people – respecting their right to make choices for themselves, even if those choices hurt us.

Another prerequisite is to accept your friends for who they are. I believe that when friendships last very long, it is because both the people involved change together in a compatible fashion. Sometimes this is not so, and you must just let things happen. Even if it means letting go of your friendship.

I offer my friendship with KP (of whom I spoke on this blog before) as an example. I met KP in 2004 by telephone. I was in the process of selecting a University at which to pursue my Bachelor’s Degree, and while investigating a particular University, I met KP who was in their employ at the time. For approximately eight months, we spoke by phone, and developed a bond that to this day, approximately 5 years later, I am unable to explain. I walked into my class on the first day of my BPM Programme, aware that KP would be in my cohort, but unable to identify her by face. Half an hour into the class, while making our introductions, a reserved, young lady with obvious emotional maturity stood and identified herself as “K.P”. Immediately on doing that, she glanced at me, smiled and nodded, acknowledging that “yes; this is the person with whom you have been speaking for almost a year”.

Our friendship has grown tremendously since then and we have once again found ourselves doing our MBA together. Actually, it was planned, but I digress…

The beauty of the friendship I share with KP, is this – we never impose feelings of guilt upon one another. We make no demands of each other. We are not obligated to each other, and we understand each other. We are unconditionally honest with each other, feeling free to say, “I think you could have handled that differently”. We trust one another. We respect one another. And we emotionally grow together. If we do not speak in two weeks, when we do speak, we spend the majority of the time catching up – not “Lawks! Ah so my fren’ dem treat mi?” We greet each other with genuine warmth. There are no accusations of one “using” the other because the time we usually spend speaking with each other has diminished. There is no dependence on this relationship for each of us to function.

KP and I understand that change is inevitable. We change with things, instead of trying to change things, and we value our friendship enough to make it work. This is a friendship I am committed to. A mature and authentic friendship and a friendship I will fight tooth and nail to preserve.

Solitude

I am moved by a quote by Dr. Ester Buchholz; “Others inspire us, information feeds us, practice improves our performance, but we need quiet time to figure things out, to emerge with new discoveries, to unearth original answers.”

For me, there is something refreshing about solitude. It enables me to grow in many directions - in self-reliance, in enjoyment of life, and in dealing with life’s difficult situations. It is a way of delving deeper within myself and getting to know myself.

At least twice a year I give myself permission to unplug from the noise and distractions of the world and find time for solitude and silence. My phones are off (or on silent) and I literally retreat from the world and all within it. It is impossible to get a hold of me during this period.

I’ve spent a lot of time analysing the possible reasons why I feel the need to do this – to physically cut myself off from the world for a period of time (which usually ranges from two to four days).

Solitude helps me get over challenging times in my life. Taking the time to work through my feelings alone enables me to deal with my emotions, whether it be grief or otherwise. It gives me permission to validate my feelings without being judged by someone else. Only I know how I feel. So, solitude can help me get back on the right track.

Solitude to me is nurturing – like a refuge in a storm. Disappearing usually helps me, but many people do not understand this and prefer to label this act as ‘selfish’. But solitude feels like a sanctuary of safety, security and stability in an out of control world or situation.

Solitude is also centering – it is a place for getting grounded and it provides the objectivity I need to contend with the competing voices of this disorienting world.

Solitude is also listening. In a world where thousands of voices clamour for my attention, solitude enables me to hear the One that matters most. The voice that offers solace, soothing, peace and comfort.

And so, as Monday morning approaches, I will resurface to join the rest of the world. Content that I nurtured. Content that I centered. Content that I listened. Content with my two days of solitary confinefment. Content with my decisions. And content with being me.

When circumstances change (Part 1)

What do you do when certain circumstances in your life have changed and your friends are not as supportive as you had hoped? What do you do when you are no longer able to give as much of your time to your friends as you previously did, and they feel that “now that she has…she no longer has time for anybody else”?

I was given a strong dose of reality when a friend of mine today told me frankly, that “it seems as though you have forgotten the people who were there for you when you needed a friend”.

After becoming present to my defenses going up, I paused for a minute and took a few deep breaths. I then heard these words flowing freely from my mouth:

“I have made a choice to divide my time as I choose, and I make no apologies for that. I will not feel guilty because I am happy right now and quite frankly, I deserve to be happy. It’s been a long time coming and I deserve it.”

So, in essence, if I choose to spend seven nights a week after work with a book, or with 'The Golden Girls' on Lifetime, or with Oprah, or with my hubby, instead of indulging 2 hours per week in a pity-party with a girlfriend, then that is my choice, and again, I make no apologies for making that choice.

I am the first to admit that the friends of whom I speak, were front and centre when I threw the very same pity-parties I wish to now avoid. But is it selfish to no longer wish to be the guest of honor at such parties? Quite frankly, I have been undergoing a transformation in the way I see life (now as an opportunity for greatness, rather than one big heaping of problem after problem) and in the way I exist and co-exist with others. But the essence of who I am has not changed. If a friend calls me and is in need, I will be there for that friend and offer the most strength that I can find to support that friend.

But what if the friend feels that she needs a pity-party to help her over her hurdle? What if she demands that? Do I make an exception and indulge? Do I neglect the loving and supportive existence I currently exist in, in order to save or spare that friendship desperately in need of a pity-party?

Over the next few days I will reflect on this situation.

I welcome your thoughts, insights and feedback.

It's my birthday (and I'll cry if I want to)

Ladies, have you ever gone through a period when you become depressed because your age is about to “fall off the calendar”? Do you become defensive because you are adding one more year to your age? Do you wish to crawl back under the covers and pretend that you are not one year older? Do you vow to remain 25 for the rest of your life?

The song, “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” made popular by Lesley Gore in 1963, quickly comes to mind. If I’m to sing, it may seem more appropriate to sing, “It’s my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to”.

But there’ll be no tears here today, for the more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. And so I celebrate this amazing journey of life, I celebrate youth, I celebrate health, I celebrate family and I celebrate friendships. I celebrate the level of maturity that is apparent in me each year and I give thanks that through this blog, this growth can be an inspiration to others.

So, if you’re feeling blue on your birthday, remember birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest. And if this statement isn’t strong enough for you, consider this – You’re not forty; you’re eighteen with twenty-two years of experience.

The Magic of Facebook

My very dear friend Carole had been gently urging me to sign up on Facebook since October of last year and last month I reluctantly agreed, vowing never to get too immersed in the Facebook phenomena.

But today I grudgingly confess – I am hooked! I smile each time I get a friend request, and I am given an opportunity to reconnect with friends from high school, primary school, all over the world. It brings me such joy to see photos of my former schoolmates and their families (children, husbands and others). Through their smiles, I can see the joy they are currently living. How wonderful technology is when used with the respect that it is intended to be used.

For me, today is a celebration of friendships.

Here's to Facebook. Here's to friends.

Dawn - "Hot like peppa!"

Today I met the most inspirational woman I have ever had the opportunity to interact with.

Meet Dawn - a fabulous, delightful, beautiful, energetic woman. All 400+ pounds of her. Dawn's spirit just lights up a room. Before meeting her, I had read about her weight management journey online, and as I entered her office, I was greeted by a huge smile and a warm "Hello!" While speaking with her, I felt so honoured to be in her company. I started to complain the day my weight went 1 pound over 140 pounds many years ago, and I haven't stopped complaining since.

"How awful!" I would lament as I stared in the mirror, turning left and right, hoping that I would see better images if I turned a little to the left or a little to the right. I hoped that if the sunlight hit me at the right angle when the planets were perfectly aligned, I would look like a 130 pound goddess. How vain!

Dawn explained how much she loves herself - her body, her mind, her essence. She is so in tune to who she is. Her presence and her aura touched me and I realised that a lot of us ought to take a page from Dawn's book. She makes no apologies for who she is, or how much she loves herself.

I almost keeled over laughing when Dawn described how she is dressed (or more accurately, not dressed) while at home in her own space - appreciating her nakedness, appreciating her beauty. Her affirmations in the morning are, "Girl yuh hot. Yuh hot like peppa!" ("Girl, you are hot. Hot like pepper").

Many persons struggle with self love and self acceptance. No matter who you are or what issues you are struggling with, resolve today that you will no longer underestimate the importance of self-acceptance, as it can end the emotional pain that you feel and will lead to the spiritual experience you want. You become whole; life becomes holistic. You experience oneness. And you no longer compulsively search for oneness in the external world. You love and accept yourself.

So I challenge you - right now - walk to your mirror, stare yourself in the face, and say, "Girl yuh hot. Yuh hot like peppa!"

Losing your cool

I lost my cool today.

I was two minutes away from a knock down, fist down, smack down, drag out, stone-throwing, hair pulling brawl in the parking lot where my office is located. After giving a woman a great serving of a piece of my mind, I stormed back to my office. Upon seeing me seething, hyperventilating, ready to turn green, rip my clothes off and transform into the incredible hulk, my colleagues approached me with concern, fright and trepidation, wondering what had gone wrong since they last saw me two minutes ago.

Between gasps for air, I relayed my story twice (not once – twice), re-iterating that “that woman has a nerve!”

Then something happened that stopped me in my tracks. Marguerite burst out laughing! Her infectious laughter eventually got everyone (including me) laughing. Then it occurred to me – I choose how to react to ANY and EVERY situation that I am faced with. Today I chose an unconscious response – to let that woman have it! Quite frankly it would have been easier for me to laugh at the situation as it unfolded at the time. The effort that it took for me to get so worked up was overwhelming. I actually felt tired after I calmed down.

While I work on living consciously and in the moment, I acknowledge that I selected the wrong response today. I will not beat or chastise myself for my actions today. I just acknowledge that it happened and move on, for as I spend time chastising myself, I will miss a whole other experience that is likely to bring me joy and laughter in the present.

A New Year and (New) Resolutions

A new year brings for most people, reflections on the past year and setting of new expectations or goals.

My New Year's Resolution? To continually explore, tap into and operate from my Higher Self. No doubt, connecting with the higher self takes practice, refinement, dedication, and discipline - all the pre-requisites to accomplishing any of the Resolutions that you may make.

Of course, I've made other resolutions that will definitely stretch me, but this year, for me, it is more than just making new resolutions. It's about really making a commitment and sticking to it, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health (I hope I got the order right - haven't taken those vows yet) all the days of 2009.

Second on the list - to commit to living a healthier life. Third, to continuously nurture my friendships and fourth - to make sound financial decisions. Bear in mind that to achieve your goals this year, you may falter once, twice or many times, but I urge you to dig deep and find the inner strength to get back on that horse, and try again.

I wish for you all the joy the year 2009 has to offer, and the stick-to-it-ivenss it takes to accomplish all your dreams and resolutions - new ones, and the 'brought forwards' from last year.