I have only just now gathered up the emotional strength to write this blog.
Dawn, whom I referred to in a previous post (http://camillespaulding.blogspot.com/2009/01/dawn-hot-like-peppa.html) passed away in late November.
As mentioned, I met Dawn in January of this year and was instantly struck by her positive aura and her love for herself and for life. I was momentarily crippled with shock and grief when her passing was revealed to me, and though I have not known her for very long, her passing has touched me in a profound way. I refused to really come to terms with it before, but I recognise that in order to heal, I must face the fact head-on.
And so today I celebrate Dawn's extraordinary life. A life she lived to the fullest. A life she lived on her terms. A life that touched so many others in very positive and beautiful ways. A life gone too soon...
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
DBJ
My hubby and I always crack up whenever we hear ‘DBJ’. Hardly a moment goes by when we hear on the news, “Development Bank of Jamaica (DBJ)”, and we don’t both keel over in stitches.
What is the story behind DBJ? What exactly is DBJ? Unfortunately, I can’t reveal. That’s our little secret. But I can attest that in times of tension, the letters DBJ, when combined in that particular order, always seem to melt us.
As a couple, we have many moments of laughter, moments of tension, moments where we look towards the future with anticipation and at the same time, moments of disbelief that the one we love so much can tick us off so greatly. (We both are guilty of being royal pains in the others’ rear end).
But to ease the tension, we look forward to the next moment we will hear something like, “I’m passing the stoplight by DBJ”, or “On the news tonight, Development Bank of Jamaica, DBJ…").
What makes you and your other half crack up? What is your DBJ?
What is the story behind DBJ? What exactly is DBJ? Unfortunately, I can’t reveal. That’s our little secret. But I can attest that in times of tension, the letters DBJ, when combined in that particular order, always seem to melt us.
As a couple, we have many moments of laughter, moments of tension, moments where we look towards the future with anticipation and at the same time, moments of disbelief that the one we love so much can tick us off so greatly. (We both are guilty of being royal pains in the others’ rear end).
But to ease the tension, we look forward to the next moment we will hear something like, “I’m passing the stoplight by DBJ”, or “On the news tonight, Development Bank of Jamaica, DBJ…").
What makes you and your other half crack up? What is your DBJ?
Be Still...
I can hardly find the words to describe my feelings right now. Relief. Accomplishment. Thankfulness. Those are just a few of the emotions I’ve felt since 10:00am today. “What happened at 10:00am?” you ask? I managed to clear two of my debts that have been outstanding for over a year. Immediately upon leaving the bank, I felt relieved. I felt slightly taller. And despite having very little left to tide me over until next payday thirty days away, I felt good. Independent even. I am now just about 46 rungs below debt-free. I still have a way to go, but I’m still climbing.
It is so freeing when you have rid yourself of some form of baggage, whether it be emotional, financial or other. You are able to sleep better, you are able to think clearer, you are able to plan better, and generally speaking, you are just better.
When you are in debt, your debt will seem huge, almost insurmountable. But you’ll manage to get out of the rut. “How?” you may ask? I did it. By simply repeating and believing my daily mantra, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. But in all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path.”
It wasn’t easy. There were lots of scrimping, saving, and doing without. There were days when I really needed that Devon House ice-cream cone to take my worries away, and had to do without. But I trusted that one day, I would get over the hurdle. At times when it all seemed too unbearable, in the stillness, I heard a gentle whisper, “Be still and know that I am God”. Psalm 46:10.
So while you face this economic turmoil, take a moment. To be still. And to know… that He is God. You will make it out of the rut too.
It is so freeing when you have rid yourself of some form of baggage, whether it be emotional, financial or other. You are able to sleep better, you are able to think clearer, you are able to plan better, and generally speaking, you are just better.
When you are in debt, your debt will seem huge, almost insurmountable. But you’ll manage to get out of the rut. “How?” you may ask? I did it. By simply repeating and believing my daily mantra, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. But in all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path.”
It wasn’t easy. There were lots of scrimping, saving, and doing without. There were days when I really needed that Devon House ice-cream cone to take my worries away, and had to do without. But I trusted that one day, I would get over the hurdle. At times when it all seemed too unbearable, in the stillness, I heard a gentle whisper, “Be still and know that I am God”. Psalm 46:10.
So while you face this economic turmoil, take a moment. To be still. And to know… that He is God. You will make it out of the rut too.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Stop, Breathe and Relax
The past few months have been extremely difficult for me. Pursuing 2 modules of a Master’s Programme simultaneously, while working and juggling the needs and desires of self, family and friends has taken a serious toll on me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. So much so, that with three modules left before completing the MBA, I have found myself resolving to put off doing those three modules until next year this time, foregoing graduating with dear friends, foregoing the celebration that would no doubt come upon completion of an intense 19 month course.
Two evenings ago, after a stressful day, I sat in my car and had a good cry. I felt like I was a pot reaching my boiling point – so much to do, so much to accomplish in such little time, so much to understand, so much to deliver. So much.
This morning, I experienced those same feelings again. So much to do, so much to deliver, such little time.
In a frantic state, I e-mailed my lecturer, requesting his telephone number so I could speak with him. He e-mailed me back offering to call me. As I responded to him in another e-mail, I started to express how I was feeling, and as I typed, it occurred to me that I was feeling better by the minute.
I revisited what happened from when I started to type my response to him, to when I started to feel better. The first thing I did was take a break from the research I was conducting and e-mailed him. I stopped.
I stopped feeding the task at hand with frantic energy.
Before responding to him, I took a deep breath and then exhaled. I breathed. An in that breath, in that moment, I relaxed. Then I began my response to him.
Though it has been one hour since I relaxed, I still feel the need to take a complete break from this Programme. Sunday will mark the last day of the current module and I am seriously contemplating deferring until next year November – for my piece of mind, for my sanity, for my health, for me.
Two evenings ago, after a stressful day, I sat in my car and had a good cry. I felt like I was a pot reaching my boiling point – so much to do, so much to accomplish in such little time, so much to understand, so much to deliver. So much.
This morning, I experienced those same feelings again. So much to do, so much to deliver, such little time.
In a frantic state, I e-mailed my lecturer, requesting his telephone number so I could speak with him. He e-mailed me back offering to call me. As I responded to him in another e-mail, I started to express how I was feeling, and as I typed, it occurred to me that I was feeling better by the minute.
I revisited what happened from when I started to type my response to him, to when I started to feel better. The first thing I did was take a break from the research I was conducting and e-mailed him. I stopped.
I stopped feeding the task at hand with frantic energy.
Before responding to him, I took a deep breath and then exhaled. I breathed. An in that breath, in that moment, I relaxed. Then I began my response to him.
Though it has been one hour since I relaxed, I still feel the need to take a complete break from this Programme. Sunday will mark the last day of the current module and I am seriously contemplating deferring until next year November – for my piece of mind, for my sanity, for my health, for me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
When Messages Reach The Unintended Recipient
A funny thing happened last evening. It was Saturday night and my study group met to finalise a presentation we were to make in class the following day. One group member was out sick, so four of us met to tackle the assignment at hand.
At around 6:30pm, I got a call from my hairstylist informing me that she was now ready to see me. After the phone call, I announced to the group that I had to leave as I would be out of town next week, and wanted my hair to be manageable, Without my visit to my stylist on that night, I could just forget about manageability of my hair.
After getting home at 9:00pm that night, I opened my e-mail to the following unedited mail:-
“another JOKE....camille says she has to leave to go to the hair dresser cuz she has to go out ofd town on monday. im dying...this is totally hialriuos....I just announced im not speaking tomorrow..so they better sort them self out ..... I will keep u posted. Nik is doing such a good job at managing us....she adorable.
Nik says she will start off the discussions...... and dodge and cam need to be there to speak also....
this is so funnyyyyy....them wont even say mek them go home and take the presentation and study it......
ms camille goin hair dresser ..so she cool “
It seems that one of my group members tried to send this e-mail to the group member that was absent, giving her blow-by-blow commentary on what was taking place in the meeting.
I must admit I was livid upon reading it, and I immediately fired off the following e-mail to the original sender:-
“(name of individual),
This was probably sent to me in error.
Camille”
I went to bed with an upset spirit. My thought was, “if she had a problem with me going to the hairstylist, why not say so to me last night? Why be so ‘underhanded’ and ‘gossipy?
I felt angry beyond words. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind!
I woke up this morning with the same feeling. I went to class and saw her face, and became increasingly angry. I later checked my e-mail and saw where her latest response to me was, “Maybe, maybe not”.
I laughed, and in that moment, I recognised that my response (laughter) was a conscious choice that I made. I refused to allow her to further get my goat. I had a wonderful day, leaving that person in her space, and I revelled in mine.
At times, things get to you so much that you are blinded by rage. Choose today to laugh instead of taking ‘it’ on. Never allow anyone (particularly those not worth it), to get you angry. Thanks to my friend Marguerite, I am now spending the remainder of my week ... Free and Laughing.
At around 6:30pm, I got a call from my hairstylist informing me that she was now ready to see me. After the phone call, I announced to the group that I had to leave as I would be out of town next week, and wanted my hair to be manageable, Without my visit to my stylist on that night, I could just forget about manageability of my hair.
After getting home at 9:00pm that night, I opened my e-mail to the following unedited mail:-
“another JOKE....camille says she has to leave to go to the hair dresser cuz she has to go out ofd town on monday. im dying...this is totally hialriuos....I just announced im not speaking tomorrow..so they better sort them self out ..... I will keep u posted. Nik is doing such a good job at managing us....she adorable.
Nik says she will start off the discussions...... and dodge and cam need to be there to speak also....
this is so funnyyyyy....them wont even say mek them go home and take the presentation and study it......
ms camille goin hair dresser ..so she cool “
It seems that one of my group members tried to send this e-mail to the group member that was absent, giving her blow-by-blow commentary on what was taking place in the meeting.
I must admit I was livid upon reading it, and I immediately fired off the following e-mail to the original sender:-
“(name of individual),
This was probably sent to me in error.
Camille”
I went to bed with an upset spirit. My thought was, “if she had a problem with me going to the hairstylist, why not say so to me last night? Why be so ‘underhanded’ and ‘gossipy?
I felt angry beyond words. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind!
I woke up this morning with the same feeling. I went to class and saw her face, and became increasingly angry. I later checked my e-mail and saw where her latest response to me was, “Maybe, maybe not”.
I laughed, and in that moment, I recognised that my response (laughter) was a conscious choice that I made. I refused to allow her to further get my goat. I had a wonderful day, leaving that person in her space, and I revelled in mine.
At times, things get to you so much that you are blinded by rage. Choose today to laugh instead of taking ‘it’ on. Never allow anyone (particularly those not worth it), to get you angry. Thanks to my friend Marguerite, I am now spending the remainder of my week ... Free and Laughing.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Jamaican Pride
As I watch the 9th staging of the IAAF games this year being held in Berlin, I beam with pride. Our Jamaican athletes are doing so well. Today, Jamaica holds the most medals – and we are poised to have at least 2 more added to the count.
I beamed with pride when Usain Bolt smashed his own record in both the 100m and 200m events. I beamed with pride when Melaine Walker won the gold in the 400m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Asafa Powell took the bronze medal in the 100m. I beamed with pride and cried along with Bridgitte Foster-Hylton when she won the gold medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Deloreen Ennis-London copped the bronze medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Shelly-Ann Fraser won the 100m and I beamed even brighter when Kerron Stewart won the silver medal in the same race. With all that said, I am outshining and out-beaming the sun.
It is a joy to watch as our flag is raised in the stadium in Berlin, and listen to our national anthem, “Jamaica, land we love”. It is a beauty to see the love and support the fans have for the Jamaican athletes. Everyone now wants a piece of Jamaica!
I continued to beam this morning when I logged on to msn and there listed as the most searched people, was our very own, Usain Bolt! What a joy! What pride I feel! I’ve used the word ‘pride’ eight times so far, because I can’t think of another word that would capture exactly how I feel.
As I revel in the excitement around me, and anticipate the running of the women’s 200m and the relays, I grin from ear to ear. My eyes light up. I stand taller. My shoulders are back. My chest is out. I’m bubbling inside. All because of my Jamaican pride.
I beamed with pride when Usain Bolt smashed his own record in both the 100m and 200m events. I beamed with pride when Melaine Walker won the gold in the 400m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Asafa Powell took the bronze medal in the 100m. I beamed with pride and cried along with Bridgitte Foster-Hylton when she won the gold medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Deloreen Ennis-London copped the bronze medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Shelly-Ann Fraser won the 100m and I beamed even brighter when Kerron Stewart won the silver medal in the same race. With all that said, I am outshining and out-beaming the sun.
It is a joy to watch as our flag is raised in the stadium in Berlin, and listen to our national anthem, “Jamaica, land we love”. It is a beauty to see the love and support the fans have for the Jamaican athletes. Everyone now wants a piece of Jamaica!
I continued to beam this morning when I logged on to msn and there listed as the most searched people, was our very own, Usain Bolt! What a joy! What pride I feel! I’ve used the word ‘pride’ eight times so far, because I can’t think of another word that would capture exactly how I feel.
As I revel in the excitement around me, and anticipate the running of the women’s 200m and the relays, I grin from ear to ear. My eyes light up. I stand taller. My shoulders are back. My chest is out. I’m bubbling inside. All because of my Jamaican pride.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Inauthenticity
My Wednesday nights are mine. Mine alone. Mine for one reason. So You Think You Can Dance.
And last Wednesday, I was so blessed to have witnessed a Contemporary piece choreographed by Tyce Diorio and performed by top 6 finalists, Ade and Melissa.
This piece chronicles the life of a woman struggling with breast cancer. Though I have not gone on this journey with anyone, what I saw in the dance was Melissa and Ade separately dealing with the seven stages of grief:
1 - Shock & Denial
2 - Pain & Grief
3 - Anger & Barganing
4 - Depression, Rejection & Loneliness
5 - The Upward Turn
6 - Reconstruction & Working Through
7 - Acceptance & Hope
I have posted the link here and invite you to view this very moving piece:-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKxoCxalyWw&feature=related
And last Wednesday, I was so blessed to have witnessed a Contemporary piece choreographed by Tyce Diorio and performed by top 6 finalists, Ade and Melissa.
This piece chronicles the life of a woman struggling with breast cancer. Though I have not gone on this journey with anyone, what I saw in the dance was Melissa and Ade separately dealing with the seven stages of grief:
1 - Shock & Denial
2 - Pain & Grief
3 - Anger & Barganing
4 - Depression, Rejection & Loneliness
5 - The Upward Turn
6 - Reconstruction & Working Through
7 - Acceptance & Hope
I have posted the link here and invite you to view this very moving piece:-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKxoCxalyWw&feature=related
During the execution of the piece, I found myself tearing up, but I held back, because of the presence of my boyfriend. He has often told me that he sees me as strength personified - through adversities, I have kept my composure and I have persevered through all obstacles. I feared that if he saw me crying, he would think less of me.
I happened to be at my dear friend Sandra's home on Thursday night, and we watched the elimination show together. We both discussed the effect the piece had on us, and I admitted that I held back my tears, because of my boyfriend's presence. Sandra, who is just as (if not more) emotional than me, had cried (bawled, as she put it), and after listening to how I handled the piece, simply asked, "But Camille, isn't that being inauthentic?" And she was right. I was being inauthentic on Wednesday night. I felt moved to tears but held back, because of the ego. It is so good to have friends who are in the same space as you are. Friends who are not afraid to coach you into seeing things and situations for what they are. Friends who are not afraid to point out that maybe, just maybe, you handled a situation from an unconscious place.
Today I had a discussion with my boyfriend about how I felt on Wednesday night, and admitted to him that I so wanted to cry. That I too, am human. I too am vulnerable. I too am imperfect. He was very supportive, admitting that he had not realised that the demeanour I had put on was a mask. He was fooled then, but now expressed his love for and support of me, by stating that crying isn't a sign of weakness and I should never feel that I can't cry in his presence if I wanted or needed to. I exhaled and looked at the piece again, and this time - I cried.
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