Be Still...

I can hardly find the words to describe my feelings right now. Relief. Accomplishment. Thankfulness. Those are just a few of the emotions I’ve felt since 10:00am today. “What happened at 10:00am?” you ask? I managed to clear two of my debts that have been outstanding for over a year. Immediately upon leaving the bank, I felt relieved. I felt slightly taller. And despite having very little left to tide me over until next payday thirty days away, I felt good. Independent even. I am now just about 46 rungs below debt-free. I still have a way to go, but I’m still climbing.

It is so freeing when you have rid yourself of some form of baggage, whether it be emotional, financial or other. You are able to sleep better, you are able to think clearer, you are able to plan better, and generally speaking, you are just better.

When you are in debt, your debt will seem huge, almost insurmountable. But you’ll manage to get out of the rut. “How?” you may ask? I did it. By simply repeating and believing my daily mantra, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. But in all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path.”

It wasn’t easy. There were lots of scrimping, saving, and doing without. There were days when I really needed that Devon House ice-cream cone to take my worries away, and had to do without. But I trusted that one day, I would get over the hurdle. At times when it all seemed too unbearable, in the stillness, I heard a gentle whisper, “Be still and know that I am God”. Psalm 46:10.

So while you face this economic turmoil, take a moment. To be still. And to know… that He is God. You will make it out of the rut too.

Stop, Breathe and Relax

The past few months have been extremely difficult for me. Pursuing 2 modules of a Master’s Programme simultaneously, while working and juggling the needs and desires of self, family and friends has taken a serious toll on me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. So much so, that with three modules left before completing the MBA, I have found myself resolving to put off doing those three modules until next year this time, foregoing graduating with dear friends, foregoing the celebration that would no doubt come upon completion of an intense 19 month course.

Two evenings ago, after a stressful day, I sat in my car and had a good cry. I felt like I was a pot reaching my boiling point – so much to do, so much to accomplish in such little time, so much to understand, so much to deliver. So much.

This morning, I experienced those same feelings again. So much to do, so much to deliver, such little time.

In a frantic state, I e-mailed my lecturer, requesting his telephone number so I could speak with him. He e-mailed me back offering to call me. As I responded to him in another e-mail, I started to express how I was feeling, and as I typed, it occurred to me that I was feeling better by the minute.

I revisited what happened from when I started to type my response to him, to when I started to feel better. The first thing I did was take a break from the research I was conducting and e-mailed him. I stopped.

I stopped feeding the task at hand with frantic energy.

Before responding to him, I took a deep breath and then exhaled. I breathed. An in that breath, in that moment, I relaxed. Then I began my response to him.

Though it has been one hour since I relaxed, I still feel the need to take a complete break from this Programme. Sunday will mark the last day of the current module and I am seriously contemplating deferring until next year November – for my piece of mind, for my sanity, for my health, for me.

When Messages Reach The Unintended Recipient

A funny thing happened last evening. It was Saturday night and my study group met to finalise a presentation we were to make in class the following day. One group member was out sick, so four of us met to tackle the assignment at hand.

At around 6:30pm, I got a call from my hairstylist informing me that she was now ready to see me. After the phone call, I announced to the group that I had to leave as I would be out of town next week, and wanted my hair to be manageable, Without my visit to my stylist on that night, I could just forget about manageability of my hair.

After getting home at 9:00pm that night, I opened my e-mail to the following unedited mail:-

“another JOKE....camille says she has to leave to go to the hair dresser cuz she has to go out ofd town on monday. im dying...this is totally hialriuos....I just announced im not speaking tomorrow..so they better sort them self out ..... I will keep u posted. Nik is doing such a good job at managing us....she adorable.

Nik says she will start off the discussions...... and dodge and cam need to be there to speak also....

this is so funnyyyyy....them wont even say mek them go home and take the presentation and study it......

ms camille goin hair dresser ..so she cool “

It seems that one of my group members tried to send this e-mail to the group member that was absent, giving her blow-by-blow commentary on what was taking place in the meeting.

I must admit I was livid upon reading it, and I immediately fired off the following e-mail to the original sender:-

“(name of individual),

This was probably sent to me in error.

Camille”

I went to bed with an upset spirit. My thought was, “if she had a problem with me going to the hairstylist, why not say so to me last night? Why be so ‘underhanded’ and ‘gossipy?

I felt angry beyond words. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind!

I woke up this morning with the same feeling. I went to class and saw her face, and became increasingly angry. I later checked my e-mail and saw where her latest response to me was, “Maybe, maybe not”.

I laughed, and in that moment, I recognised that my response (laughter) was a conscious choice that I made. I refused to allow her to further get my goat. I had a wonderful day, leaving that person in her space, and I revelled in mine.

At times, things get to you so much that you are blinded by rage. Choose today to laugh instead of taking ‘it’ on. Never allow anyone (particularly those not worth it), to get you angry. Thanks to my friend Marguerite, I am now spending the remainder of my week ... Free and Laughing.

Jamaican Pride

As I watch the 9th staging of the IAAF games this year being held in Berlin, I beam with pride. Our Jamaican athletes are doing so well. Today, Jamaica holds the most medals – and we are poised to have at least 2 more added to the count.

I beamed with pride when Usain Bolt smashed his own record in both the 100m and 200m events. I beamed with pride when Melaine Walker won the gold in the 400m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Asafa Powell took the bronze medal in the 100m. I beamed with pride and cried along with Bridgitte Foster-Hylton when she won the gold medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Deloreen Ennis-London copped the bronze medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Shelly-Ann Fraser won the 100m and I beamed even brighter when Kerron Stewart won the silver medal in the same race. With all that said, I am outshining and out-beaming the sun.

It is a joy to watch as our flag is raised in the stadium in Berlin, and listen to our national anthem, “Jamaica, land we love”. It is a beauty to see the love and support the fans have for the Jamaican athletes. Everyone now wants a piece of Jamaica!

I continued to beam this morning when I logged on to msn and there listed as the most searched people, was our very own, Usain Bolt! What a joy! What pride I feel! I’ve used the word ‘pride’ eight times so far, because I can’t think of another word that would capture exactly how I feel.

As I revel in the excitement around me, and anticipate the running of the women’s 200m and the relays, I grin from ear to ear. My eyes light up. I stand taller. My shoulders are back. My chest is out. I’m bubbling inside. All because of my Jamaican pride.

Inauthenticity

My Wednesday nights are mine. Mine alone. Mine for one reason. So You Think You Can Dance.

And last Wednesday, I was so blessed to have witnessed a Contemporary piece choreographed by Tyce Diorio and performed by top 6 finalists, Ade and Melissa.

This piece chronicles the life of a woman struggling with breast cancer. Though I have not gone on this journey with anyone, what I saw in the dance was Melissa and Ade separately dealing with the seven stages of grief:

1 - Shock & Denial
2 - Pain & Grief
3 - Anger & Barganing
4 - Depression, Rejection & Loneliness
5 - The Upward Turn
6 - Reconstruction & Working Through
7 - Acceptance & Hope

I have posted the link here and invite you to view this very moving piece:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKxoCxalyWw&feature=related

During the execution of the piece, I found myself tearing up, but I held back, because of the presence of my boyfriend. He has often told me that he sees me as strength personified - through adversities, I have kept my composure and I have persevered through all obstacles. I feared that if he saw me crying, he would think less of me.

I happened to be at my dear friend Sandra's home on Thursday night, and we watched the elimination show together. We both discussed the effect the piece had on us, and I admitted that I held back my tears, because of my boyfriend's presence. Sandra, who is just as (if not more) emotional than me, had cried (bawled, as she put it), and after listening to how I handled the piece, simply asked, "But Camille, isn't that being inauthentic?" And she was right. I was being inauthentic on Wednesday night. I felt moved to tears but held back, because of the ego. It is so good to have friends who are in the same space as you are. Friends who are not afraid to coach you into seeing things and situations for what they are. Friends who are not afraid to point out that maybe, just maybe, you handled a situation from an unconscious place.

Today I had a discussion with my boyfriend about how I felt on Wednesday night, and admitted to him that I so wanted to cry. That I too, am human. I too am vulnerable. I too am imperfect. He was very supportive, admitting that he had not realised that the demeanour I had put on was a mask. He was fooled then, but now expressed his love for and support of me, by stating that crying isn't a sign of weakness and I should never feel that I can't cry in his presence if I wanted or needed to. I exhaled and looked at the piece again, and this time - I cried.

When one door closes...

A friend of mine always says, “the only thing that remains constant is change”. Another friend of mine puts a different spin on it, affirming that “when one door closes, another will open”.

As humans, our nature is to resist change. Resist it at all costs. We see it daily in our workplaces, and we see it in our personal and social lives.

I have witnessed a number of changes in my own life over the past few months – changes that I have fought tooth and nail to resist. As recently as this week, I found myself in a state of depression over these changes – three days of seven, were spent in an almost comatose state, shutting out everybody and everything that matters to me, pondering, feeling anxiety, and sometimes, quite frankly, feeling sorry for myself. It was only until I was speaking with another friend of mine this morning, did I realise how needed change is.

While she and I are undergoing life changes simultaneously, the deeper nature of those changes differ. We coach each other through our situations, and we understand each other and each other’s wants and needs.

Being accustomed to a particular situation, we are now both surprised and dis-illusioned after discovering that this great change has occurred – seemingly overnight. Were we blind? Did we not see it coming? We ponder these and other questions, and as we do so, we tend to blame ourselves for not recognizing before-hand the things that didn’t ‘add up’ in this situation. We give our energy to this change that has already occurred, but we hadn’t seen coming, and wonder, “what happened?”

But we now need to focus our energies on embracing the current changes. We ought to recognise all the positives that will come with these changes and not dwell on the things we are losing because of the change.

This period is a new beginning. Only the chapter ends, not the book. We have the opportunity to expand our horizons and experience things we have never experienced before

We both are very blessed to have people who love us and care deeply for us in our lives, people who will always be there for us and we both are healthy, strong and vibrant women.

And so, today we acknowledge that there are no coincidences. Change can truly be a wonderful gift and we vow to embrace the changes we are faced with, with energy, passion and intensity.

Ten Guidelines from God

My dear friend (and boss extraordinaire) Marguerite, sent me a beautiful e-mail today, which I wish to share. It's entitled, 'Ten Guidelines from God'.

Effective Immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines

1. QUIT WORRYING:

Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:

Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME:

Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:

Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:

I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy.. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control.. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:

I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE:

You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:

I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:

Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:

As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget......

I must admit that there are many times that I have worried, lost trust, lost faith and lost patience - as recently as last month. But this is a very strong reminder that when things seem out of control, quit worrying, put it on the list, trust Him, leave it alone, talk to Him, have faith, share, be patient, be kind, and love yourself.