My heart bled for a friend last night, after she shared another piece of her trying journey. Her patience and her sanity is being stretched to the limit - so much so that in order to cope, she has to convince herself that something is wrong with her, despite the obvious signs that nothing is wrong with her.
To her I say, you are perfection. You were made in the likeness and image of God - physically, spiritually and emotionally. And though you may not realise it, you are perfect in every way and your way will be made clear as you move forward in faith.
You re not being punished my love. Contrary to popular belief, our God is not a vengeful God towards his children. He is a God of love, compassion and understanding. This is not punishment. It may just be a test of your faith in Him.
At certain points in your life you will feel alone and lost. At times you may even question your purpose. Find peace in remembering that your way will be made clear. You may not know what will happen in a week, a month or even a year but know that you are being guided step by step and you are never alone. Open your heart and mind to clarity and confidence and thank God for the inner wisdom that moves your life forward in divine order, divine purpose and divine timing.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Monday, October 4, 2010
Letting Go Of Unhealthy Friendships
Strong, healthy friendship enriches your life. It doesn't make you suffer or overburden you. While it's important to treasure your good friends - to make time for them, listen, laugh and cry together - it's just as important to know when it's time to let certain friendships go.
Sometimes, we stay in friendships long past their expiration dates. Today, I was faced with the question of whether a ‘friend’ was really worth my time or investment. To get to the answer, I had to ask myself, “Does this person…:-
· Consistently hurt my feelings?
· Waste my time by not calling when they said they would?
· Offer friendship only at their convenience?
· Express little interest in what’s going on in my life?
After answering these and a host of other questions, I realised it is time to end the relationship. I listened and paid attention to all the things this person didn’t say. This person’s behaviour tells me that the relationship is unsalvageable and it is time to leave the friendship behind.
It isn’t an easy decision to make. In fact, one of the toughest things to do is to close the door on a friendship. But everyone has value and everyone who gives their gift of friendship to another individual deserves to get the same respect in return. If one person is doing all of the giving and the other doing all of the taking, there is no friendship.
Closing the door means no more contact, no more phone calls, and no more thinking about the person. I no longer care about their welfare. I know that I will never see or speak to this person again and whatever friendship I once had will remain only in the past. As time goes by it will become a distant memory until it ceases altogether. It’s like a funeral – I am saying goodbye forever to someone I once cared for. It's really tough. But as much as we hate to bury our loved ones, we know that the funeral is necessary. It is essential for us to say goodbye and begin our own healing process. Most people cry at funerals and for good reasons. They are saying goodbye to a part of their past. They do not grieve for the one who is dead, but for themselves. For all the things left unsaid. For all the promises not kept. And because they will miss them so very much. Hanging on to a friendship that is one sided and hurtful is like hanging onto a corpse. At the very least, it's unhealthy. At a certain point, you have to be able to let go and realize that the friendship is over for good and the door must be shut.
It takes courage to shut the door on a friendship, but it is also a liberating experience. I no longer have the burden of dealing with a friendship that is not there and I no longer have to worry about getting my hopes dashed. It hurts, but it’ll hurt only for a while. Only for a while.
Sometimes, we stay in friendships long past their expiration dates. Today, I was faced with the question of whether a ‘friend’ was really worth my time or investment. To get to the answer, I had to ask myself, “Does this person…:-
· Consistently hurt my feelings?
· Waste my time by not calling when they said they would?
· Offer friendship only at their convenience?
· Express little interest in what’s going on in my life?
After answering these and a host of other questions, I realised it is time to end the relationship. I listened and paid attention to all the things this person didn’t say. This person’s behaviour tells me that the relationship is unsalvageable and it is time to leave the friendship behind.
It isn’t an easy decision to make. In fact, one of the toughest things to do is to close the door on a friendship. But everyone has value and everyone who gives their gift of friendship to another individual deserves to get the same respect in return. If one person is doing all of the giving and the other doing all of the taking, there is no friendship.
Closing the door means no more contact, no more phone calls, and no more thinking about the person. I no longer care about their welfare. I know that I will never see or speak to this person again and whatever friendship I once had will remain only in the past. As time goes by it will become a distant memory until it ceases altogether. It’s like a funeral – I am saying goodbye forever to someone I once cared for. It's really tough. But as much as we hate to bury our loved ones, we know that the funeral is necessary. It is essential for us to say goodbye and begin our own healing process. Most people cry at funerals and for good reasons. They are saying goodbye to a part of their past. They do not grieve for the one who is dead, but for themselves. For all the things left unsaid. For all the promises not kept. And because they will miss them so very much. Hanging on to a friendship that is one sided and hurtful is like hanging onto a corpse. At the very least, it's unhealthy. At a certain point, you have to be able to let go and realize that the friendship is over for good and the door must be shut.
It takes courage to shut the door on a friendship, but it is also a liberating experience. I no longer have the burden of dealing with a friendship that is not there and I no longer have to worry about getting my hopes dashed. It hurts, but it’ll hurt only for a while. Only for a while.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
All Is Going According To Plan
"All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."
This message which I received today is very powerful. It takes me back to centre. It reconnects me with myself. It reconnects me with God.
Over the past few months, my life has been uprooted by emotional and physical turmoil. It was very difficult living in that ‘present’, but I did it. I had to. I had no choice but to acknowledge the changes that God felt was right for me, accept them, and believe that my life was unfolding as it should.
Today, a new challenge was thrown my way – hit me from left field – out of the blue. As I consider the situation, not making any plans for my ‘next move’, I trust that again, all is unfolding as it should. It gets difficult as you deal with everything life has to offer – relationships, events, everything. But the way I see it, all is going according to plan. There is a bigger picture. Life is unfolding as it should.
This message which I received today is very powerful. It takes me back to centre. It reconnects me with myself. It reconnects me with God.
Over the past few months, my life has been uprooted by emotional and physical turmoil. It was very difficult living in that ‘present’, but I did it. I had to. I had no choice but to acknowledge the changes that God felt was right for me, accept them, and believe that my life was unfolding as it should.
Today, a new challenge was thrown my way – hit me from left field – out of the blue. As I consider the situation, not making any plans for my ‘next move’, I trust that again, all is unfolding as it should. It gets difficult as you deal with everything life has to offer – relationships, events, everything. But the way I see it, all is going according to plan. There is a bigger picture. Life is unfolding as it should.
Friday, August 20, 2010
For My Sisters
Three friends of mine are going through difficult periods in their lives. Each situation defers from the other, but the one constant throughout, is a sense of near defeat. Near surrender. I hear the sighs of frustration and the tone of worry. Over the past few days have been consumed with praying for each one and praying for the right outcome in their situations Today I send them positive energy and say to them:-
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petition and praises shape your worries, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good will come and settle you down.
It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the centre of your life. I know. I am living testament.
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petition and praises shape your worries, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good will come and settle you down.
It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the centre of your life. I know. I am living testament.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tomorrow
Tomorrow will be a beautiful new day filled with amazing opportunities. When I go to sleep tonight my body, my mind, and my soul will be rejuvenated so when I awake tomorrow, I will be refreshed and open to enjoying all of the amazing adventures that await me.
This is my nightly affirmation.
Today was a rough day, but I look forward to tomorrow. I look forward to all the wonderful conversations, all the enlightening interactions, all the amazing experiences.
Today's conversations and experiences happened for a purpose. But as I head home I will be free from it.
I am at peace with this day.
I choose to release this day. And do nothing but eagerly look forward to the joys that tomorrow will bring.
This is my nightly affirmation.
Today was a rough day, but I look forward to tomorrow. I look forward to all the wonderful conversations, all the enlightening interactions, all the amazing experiences.
Today's conversations and experiences happened for a purpose. But as I head home I will be free from it.
I am at peace with this day.
I choose to release this day. And do nothing but eagerly look forward to the joys that tomorrow will bring.
Fake It 'Til You Make It
Sometimes your mind can be a hard thing to change once it’s already been set on one particular scenario. But there is a trick that has been utilized (with success) for quite some time called ‘fake it ’til you make it’.
In order to ‘fake it’, you need to continue reminding yourself that something other than what your mind believes will happen can happen.
For instance, if you believe that you are destined to live a life of misery and pain, you are destined to live a life of misery and pain. However, each time your mind wants to tell you that you’re destined to live a life of misery and pain, tell yourself that you are destined for greatness. You are destined to live a fulfilling and complete life. You are destined to experience joy in every facet of your life.
Tell yourself that happiness is your birthright.
Fake it, 'til you make it!
In order to ‘fake it’, you need to continue reminding yourself that something other than what your mind believes will happen can happen.
For instance, if you believe that you are destined to live a life of misery and pain, you are destined to live a life of misery and pain. However, each time your mind wants to tell you that you’re destined to live a life of misery and pain, tell yourself that you are destined for greatness. You are destined to live a fulfilling and complete life. You are destined to experience joy in every facet of your life.
Tell yourself that happiness is your birthright.
Fake it, 'til you make it!
All Is Well. Always.
Over the past few weeks, a new perspective has been revealed.
At some point, worry had ensued, and at times, panic. But after taking a few deep breaths and a gentle reminder that all is well, the problems are resolving themselves.
So, when you’re faced with something that seems troubling or as if a problem doesn’t have a solution, gently remind yourself that all is well. Always.
So affirm today, and whilst you are in the midst of a storm that in very situation, all is well. Always.
At some point, worry had ensued, and at times, panic. But after taking a few deep breaths and a gentle reminder that all is well, the problems are resolving themselves.
So, when you’re faced with something that seems troubling or as if a problem doesn’t have a solution, gently remind yourself that all is well. Always.
So affirm today, and whilst you are in the midst of a storm that in very situation, all is well. Always.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Emotional Detachment
After recently finding myself in a space of emotional detachment, I was moved today to really consider the effects of this state. What are the positive aspects of being emotionally detached from a person or a situation? What are the negative aspects, if any?
Emotional detachment refers to the act of disengaging from a dependent relationship with a person, thing or event. It is developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance or boundary from someone or something that you had previously given a lot of power to affect you. It is a state of "checking out" emotionally.
In this state, you are no longer affected by the outcomes of the actions or decisions of another. You release it. You are totally unaffected.
Does this mean that you don't care? Of course not. It simply means that you care more about your healthy survival than an unhealthy existence.
Will you ever regain that emotional connection? Possibly. Only time will tell.
But until you get that answer, reconnect with yourself. Be emotionally available to yourself. Love yourself. Appreciate who you are. Be concerned about no one but you. Be present and acknowledge the beauty and perfection of you.
Live today for no one but you.
Emotional detachment refers to the act of disengaging from a dependent relationship with a person, thing or event. It is developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance or boundary from someone or something that you had previously given a lot of power to affect you. It is a state of "checking out" emotionally.
In this state, you are no longer affected by the outcomes of the actions or decisions of another. You release it. You are totally unaffected.
Does this mean that you don't care? Of course not. It simply means that you care more about your healthy survival than an unhealthy existence.
Will you ever regain that emotional connection? Possibly. Only time will tell.
But until you get that answer, reconnect with yourself. Be emotionally available to yourself. Love yourself. Appreciate who you are. Be concerned about no one but you. Be present and acknowledge the beauty and perfection of you.
Live today for no one but you.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Love...And Fear?
Have you ever been in love? Selflessly, wholeheartedly and unconditionally in love? Have you experienced a time when you feel so much a part of someone that you feel like they are a second layer of skin? Have you felt like you've met your soul mate? Have you ever felt raw, pure, undiluted love?
I woke up this morning, frantic. Full of hope, yet full of fear. Excited, yet afraid. Strong, yet weak. I woke up this morning realising that I am in love.
It is such a strange feeling. You love, but at the same time, you feel vulnerable - afraid to openly commit, afraid to love, afraid of what may be, or afraid of what may not be. You want to step out on that ledge, but fear grips you. What if the ledge gives way from beneath you? What if you fall so many feet to the ground that you are hurt? So hurt you may never walk again? So hurt, you never love again?
I spent some time this morning frantically calling my two closest friends, wanting some reassurance that I am not going crazy. Wanting some reassurance that they will not have me committed. Wanting some reassurance that what I am feeling is real - and normal.
I was struck when one of them said to me, "Camille, enjoy the feeling".
And in that moment, I realised that instead of focusing on how alive I had been feeling all morning, I spent my entire morning worrying and living in fear of what I was feeling. Why is it so hard to just enjoy what God has given you? Why is it so difficult to accept freely what the universe has provided or given? Why must we feel that we are not worthy of feeling alive with joy, hope, love and anticipation?
I think that's what it boils down to - we think that we are not worthy of feeling the very intense emotions we feel. An emotion so intense as love. And so we resist it and sub-consciously find ways to mess it up. We over-analyse our feelings and make incorrect interpretations and judgments.
So the question is, can we really fear love? Is it truly love if we live in fear? As I type, I am closer to understand that love and fear are two completely different emotions. On love's side there is joy, peacefulness, happiness, forgiveness, and a host of others. On the other hand, fear reflects hate, depression, guilt, inadequacy, discontentment, prejudice, anger, attack, and so on. These two emotions are incapable of co-existing. Where there is one, the other cannot be also.
One will leave immediately, should the other enter its presence. When I am experiencing great joy, and am suddenly overtaken by fear, the joy is gone. And if I am terrorized, frightened, or otherwise threatened in any way, I just need to turn to the love within, and the fear disappears.
Learning to make the active choice to love and not fear in every situation is the way to find inner peace. And learning to accept God's gifts and grace is another way of finding inner peace.
I declare today that I will relinquish the fear - the fear of being hurt, the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of disappointment and the fear of falling. Today I declare that from now on I will do one thing...One thing only...
Today, I will simply "enjoy it".
I woke up this morning, frantic. Full of hope, yet full of fear. Excited, yet afraid. Strong, yet weak. I woke up this morning realising that I am in love.
It is such a strange feeling. You love, but at the same time, you feel vulnerable - afraid to openly commit, afraid to love, afraid of what may be, or afraid of what may not be. You want to step out on that ledge, but fear grips you. What if the ledge gives way from beneath you? What if you fall so many feet to the ground that you are hurt? So hurt you may never walk again? So hurt, you never love again?
I spent some time this morning frantically calling my two closest friends, wanting some reassurance that I am not going crazy. Wanting some reassurance that they will not have me committed. Wanting some reassurance that what I am feeling is real - and normal.
I was struck when one of them said to me, "Camille, enjoy the feeling".
And in that moment, I realised that instead of focusing on how alive I had been feeling all morning, I spent my entire morning worrying and living in fear of what I was feeling. Why is it so hard to just enjoy what God has given you? Why is it so difficult to accept freely what the universe has provided or given? Why must we feel that we are not worthy of feeling alive with joy, hope, love and anticipation?
I think that's what it boils down to - we think that we are not worthy of feeling the very intense emotions we feel. An emotion so intense as love. And so we resist it and sub-consciously find ways to mess it up. We over-analyse our feelings and make incorrect interpretations and judgments.
So the question is, can we really fear love? Is it truly love if we live in fear? As I type, I am closer to understand that love and fear are two completely different emotions. On love's side there is joy, peacefulness, happiness, forgiveness, and a host of others. On the other hand, fear reflects hate, depression, guilt, inadequacy, discontentment, prejudice, anger, attack, and so on. These two emotions are incapable of co-existing. Where there is one, the other cannot be also.
One will leave immediately, should the other enter its presence. When I am experiencing great joy, and am suddenly overtaken by fear, the joy is gone. And if I am terrorized, frightened, or otherwise threatened in any way, I just need to turn to the love within, and the fear disappears.
Learning to make the active choice to love and not fear in every situation is the way to find inner peace. And learning to accept God's gifts and grace is another way of finding inner peace.
I declare today that I will relinquish the fear - the fear of being hurt, the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of disappointment and the fear of falling. Today I declare that from now on I will do one thing...One thing only...
Today, I will simply "enjoy it".
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Love and Cherish People and Moments
Take a moment to imagine the situation I am about to describe. It may be graphic, but please indulge me.
Imagine that you came face-to-face with a killer. One who is pointing a gun at you. You, too are armed, and in that situation, it's "kill, or be killed". The face(s) of your child(ren) if you have any flash before your eyes. The faces of your loved ones flash before your eyes. What do you do? Do you pull that trigger?
This "imagined" scenario brings forth, a psychological stress that I have never felt before. One that I would never like to experience. And so I can only imagine what our soldiers and policemen are currently feeling. I can only imagine what a friend of mine is going through right now.
While I do not profess to know about the intricacies or psychological and physiological effects of of combat on persons who have to go in combat occassionally, I do know that when a situation such as the one described above hits so close to home, it puts you in a different place.
You now cherish the moments you are with, or speak with people. You try your very best to avoid confrontations or arguments with people. You manage your time and your effort. Instead of allowing external events and pressures control you, you make deliberate choices about the use of your time and your energy.
I am reminded of a quote by Ninon de Lenclos, "Today a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion, everything invites me to cherish it."
So today I make a conscious decision to love. Love with wanton abandon. Cherish. Cherish people as if my life depended on it.
Today I forget all labels. Today, I simply love.
Imagine that you came face-to-face with a killer. One who is pointing a gun at you. You, too are armed, and in that situation, it's "kill, or be killed". The face(s) of your child(ren) if you have any flash before your eyes. The faces of your loved ones flash before your eyes. What do you do? Do you pull that trigger?
This "imagined" scenario brings forth, a psychological stress that I have never felt before. One that I would never like to experience. And so I can only imagine what our soldiers and policemen are currently feeling. I can only imagine what a friend of mine is going through right now.
While I do not profess to know about the intricacies or psychological and physiological effects of of combat on persons who have to go in combat occassionally, I do know that when a situation such as the one described above hits so close to home, it puts you in a different place.
You now cherish the moments you are with, or speak with people. You try your very best to avoid confrontations or arguments with people. You manage your time and your effort. Instead of allowing external events and pressures control you, you make deliberate choices about the use of your time and your energy.
I am reminded of a quote by Ninon de Lenclos, "Today a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion, everything invites me to cherish it."
So today I make a conscious decision to love. Love with wanton abandon. Cherish. Cherish people as if my life depended on it.
Today I forget all labels. Today, I simply love.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Consciousness
My friend who is a member of the Jamaica Constabulary Force found himself in a state of near depression. He has gone through every emotion known to man over the past few weeks. Anger. Frustration. Hopefulness. Disappointment.
Today he is numb. Numb because over a two week period, he has seen 7 dead bodies. Numb because witnesses to murders refuse to come forward. Numb because of the generalisation he faces as a member of the police force. Numb because of the tears he has seen and the wails he has heard from relatives of victims whose lives have been senselessly cut short. Numb because his life (and the future of his son) has been threatened by refuted gang leaders.
I go to work everyday, and my frustration comes from unanswered e-mails - not from viewing or identifying dead bodies. My fear comes from the supposition that an earthquake will strike and I will be trapped in my office for hours, or even days. His fear (if he has any) is possibly that he is targetted because of the uniform he is required to wear. He goes to work each day, vowing to serve and protect people like me and you. How different are our worlds.
I felt his pain today.
As a people, we are devoid of consciousness. Someone put it best a few years ago. We are asleep. So deep in sleep, that we lack love, respect and compassion for our fellow humans. So deep in sleep that we turn a blind eye to the needs and cries of others. We live our lives in fear, rather than how it was intended that we live it. With pure joy. With wanton abandon. Filled with love for each other. Fearless. Remember when you were around 3 years old? You had no fears. You played and laughed all day. You hugged your parents and other members of your family. Why can't we live that way today?
We are all interconnected and so we are affected by the actions of others. My friend loves his job and his counry and cries out for a change. He yearns for the day, month and year, that that we will no longer be plagued by senseless killings.
I listened to his pleas this morning, and it hurt to know that there was nothing I could do or say to ease the pain. There were no promises I could make that could guarantee a brighter tomorrow.
All we can do is pray that it gets better. Channel our energies on positives (even in the midst of despair) and awaken our inner peace. So as we become aware of our thoughts as they arise and pass through our minds, we must not let them sweep us away. We must just remain focused and uninvolved with them. Let Christ-like actions and thoughts reign supreme and take ourselves away from negativity. We must be the light that we want the world to follow.
Today he is numb. Numb because over a two week period, he has seen 7 dead bodies. Numb because witnesses to murders refuse to come forward. Numb because of the generalisation he faces as a member of the police force. Numb because of the tears he has seen and the wails he has heard from relatives of victims whose lives have been senselessly cut short. Numb because his life (and the future of his son) has been threatened by refuted gang leaders.
I go to work everyday, and my frustration comes from unanswered e-mails - not from viewing or identifying dead bodies. My fear comes from the supposition that an earthquake will strike and I will be trapped in my office for hours, or even days. His fear (if he has any) is possibly that he is targetted because of the uniform he is required to wear. He goes to work each day, vowing to serve and protect people like me and you. How different are our worlds.
I felt his pain today.
As a people, we are devoid of consciousness. Someone put it best a few years ago. We are asleep. So deep in sleep, that we lack love, respect and compassion for our fellow humans. So deep in sleep that we turn a blind eye to the needs and cries of others. We live our lives in fear, rather than how it was intended that we live it. With pure joy. With wanton abandon. Filled with love for each other. Fearless. Remember when you were around 3 years old? You had no fears. You played and laughed all day. You hugged your parents and other members of your family. Why can't we live that way today?
We are all interconnected and so we are affected by the actions of others. My friend loves his job and his counry and cries out for a change. He yearns for the day, month and year, that that we will no longer be plagued by senseless killings.
I listened to his pleas this morning, and it hurt to know that there was nothing I could do or say to ease the pain. There were no promises I could make that could guarantee a brighter tomorrow.
All we can do is pray that it gets better. Channel our energies on positives (even in the midst of despair) and awaken our inner peace. So as we become aware of our thoughts as they arise and pass through our minds, we must not let them sweep us away. We must just remain focused and uninvolved with them. Let Christ-like actions and thoughts reign supreme and take ourselves away from negativity. We must be the light that we want the world to follow.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Graduation Day
Today is Graduation Day.
A day that my hard work and perseverance (or stick-to-it-iveness) is recognized. A day I am officially recognized as Camille O. Spaulding, MBA.
As I mentioned in previous posts, it was a long and challenging journey. A journey filled with ups and downs. Downs included the loss of a job and subsequent closure of Growth Facilitators where I previously worked. Ups included the birth of my niece and joining a great company, having a wonderful boss, so full of integrity, and an awesome team.
Today is not just Graduation Day. It is also a day that I celebrate and humbly acknowledge the people who contributed so significantly to where I am today and who played a great part in how I actually got here:-
A day that my hard work and perseverance (or stick-to-it-iveness) is recognized. A day I am officially recognized as Camille O. Spaulding, MBA.
As I mentioned in previous posts, it was a long and challenging journey. A journey filled with ups and downs. Downs included the loss of a job and subsequent closure of Growth Facilitators where I previously worked. Ups included the birth of my niece and joining a great company, having a wonderful boss, so full of integrity, and an awesome team.
Today is not just Graduation Day. It is also a day that I celebrate and humbly acknowledge the people who contributed so significantly to where I am today and who played a great part in how I actually got here:-
- Marguerite Orane and Robert Wynter, Partners of Growth Facilitators, and the rest of the GF team - Ulla, Sharon, Carole, Elaine and Mr. Smith who were there when this journey began. Sadly, GF is no longer in existence, but each of these people hold a very special place in my heart
- My mom, dad and brothers and sister who were so supportive and understanding of my missing out on spending weekends with them because, "I have class", or "I have an exam", or "I have a group meeting". My sister missed out on many dates because I was unable to take her to and fro
- My sisters in life and beyond, Kirsten and Althea. Though we are not connected by blood, we are connected by the memories that we share
- My partner, Donald who patiently sat through my online exams, my vetting of assignments, my anxiety over exams and results, and additional stresses and anxieties over financial deadlines. Donald knows more than anyone everything I went through in order to be here and he has been so supportive. A pillar of strength. He was understanding when I was unable to give of myself because I was mentally, physically and emotionally drained. At times, he put aside his own stresses, just so he could be emotionally and physically available for me. At times I heard of his issues long after the fact, because he kept them to himself, unwilling to perturb me while I had exams on my mind
- Other friends like Sandra Cooper, who was always there for me - always available, with a listening ear, words of wisdom and words of comfort
- I give thanks for everyone else who are connected to me, but were not mentioned here. They will always have my love and respect for being with me in spirit and thought.
And so today, as I collect my Degree, I will celebrate everyone in my life. I will celebrate their love for and support of me. Because without them, and God's blessing and grace, I would not be here.
With all my love,
Camille.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Unfinished Chapters
The beauty of the phenomenon that is Facebook. Through Facebook, I was recently contacted by a friend who I lost connection with many, many years ago. Since then, we have spent hours catching up on each other’s lives.
The issue is that, our friendship seemed to end very suddenly and unexpectedly then. Not because of drama – no clothes on the front lawn, no threatening texts or voice messages, no stalking. We simply lost touch.
And now here we are, back in each other’s lives – miraculously, as if it was destined to be so. Now. Not 5 years ago, and not 5 years later. Now.
We manage our emotions, respecting each other and respecting each other’s positions. We are both undeniably ecstatic to be in touch once again – fearing that if we don’t speak at least once a day, we may lose contact again.
There is a lot to say, but do we both really want to finish this chapter? Do we absolutely have to?
What we are certain of is that we will remain what we have always been, and what we always will be, even whilst out of touch – friends who love and respect each other, friends who will be truthful to one another and friends who are unconditionally loyal and supportive to each other.
The chapter may continue, but unlike a novel, this chapter will never end.
The issue is that, our friendship seemed to end very suddenly and unexpectedly then. Not because of drama – no clothes on the front lawn, no threatening texts or voice messages, no stalking. We simply lost touch.
And now here we are, back in each other’s lives – miraculously, as if it was destined to be so. Now. Not 5 years ago, and not 5 years later. Now.
We manage our emotions, respecting each other and respecting each other’s positions. We are both undeniably ecstatic to be in touch once again – fearing that if we don’t speak at least once a day, we may lose contact again.
There is a lot to say, but do we both really want to finish this chapter? Do we absolutely have to?
What we are certain of is that we will remain what we have always been, and what we always will be, even whilst out of touch – friends who love and respect each other, friends who will be truthful to one another and friends who are unconditionally loyal and supportive to each other.
The chapter may continue, but unlike a novel, this chapter will never end.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The Passing of Dawn
I have only just now gathered up the emotional strength to write this blog.
Dawn, whom I referred to in a previous post (http://camillespaulding.blogspot.com/2009/01/dawn-hot-like-peppa.html) passed away in late November.
As mentioned, I met Dawn in January of this year and was instantly struck by her positive aura and her love for herself and for life. I was momentarily crippled with shock and grief when her passing was revealed to me, and though I have not known her for very long, her passing has touched me in a profound way. I refused to really come to terms with it before, but I recognise that in order to heal, I must face the fact head-on.
And so today I celebrate Dawn's extraordinary life. A life she lived to the fullest. A life she lived on her terms. A life that touched so many others in very positive and beautiful ways. A life gone too soon...
Dawn, whom I referred to in a previous post (http://camillespaulding.blogspot.com/2009/01/dawn-hot-like-peppa.html) passed away in late November.
As mentioned, I met Dawn in January of this year and was instantly struck by her positive aura and her love for herself and for life. I was momentarily crippled with shock and grief when her passing was revealed to me, and though I have not known her for very long, her passing has touched me in a profound way. I refused to really come to terms with it before, but I recognise that in order to heal, I must face the fact head-on.
And so today I celebrate Dawn's extraordinary life. A life she lived to the fullest. A life she lived on her terms. A life that touched so many others in very positive and beautiful ways. A life gone too soon...
Monday, October 26, 2009
DBJ
My hubby and I always crack up whenever we hear ‘DBJ’. Hardly a moment goes by when we hear on the news, “Development Bank of Jamaica (DBJ)”, and we don’t both keel over in stitches.
What is the story behind DBJ? What exactly is DBJ? Unfortunately, I can’t reveal. That’s our little secret. But I can attest that in times of tension, the letters DBJ, when combined in that particular order, always seem to melt us.
As a couple, we have many moments of laughter, moments of tension, moments where we look towards the future with anticipation and at the same time, moments of disbelief that the one we love so much can tick us off so greatly. (We both are guilty of being royal pains in the others’ rear end).
But to ease the tension, we look forward to the next moment we will hear something like, “I’m passing the stoplight by DBJ”, or “On the news tonight, Development Bank of Jamaica, DBJ…").
What makes you and your other half crack up? What is your DBJ?
What is the story behind DBJ? What exactly is DBJ? Unfortunately, I can’t reveal. That’s our little secret. But I can attest that in times of tension, the letters DBJ, when combined in that particular order, always seem to melt us.
As a couple, we have many moments of laughter, moments of tension, moments where we look towards the future with anticipation and at the same time, moments of disbelief that the one we love so much can tick us off so greatly. (We both are guilty of being royal pains in the others’ rear end).
But to ease the tension, we look forward to the next moment we will hear something like, “I’m passing the stoplight by DBJ”, or “On the news tonight, Development Bank of Jamaica, DBJ…").
What makes you and your other half crack up? What is your DBJ?
Be Still...
I can hardly find the words to describe my feelings right now. Relief. Accomplishment. Thankfulness. Those are just a few of the emotions I’ve felt since 10:00am today. “What happened at 10:00am?” you ask? I managed to clear two of my debts that have been outstanding for over a year. Immediately upon leaving the bank, I felt relieved. I felt slightly taller. And despite having very little left to tide me over until next payday thirty days away, I felt good. Independent even. I am now just about 46 rungs below debt-free. I still have a way to go, but I’m still climbing.
It is so freeing when you have rid yourself of some form of baggage, whether it be emotional, financial or other. You are able to sleep better, you are able to think clearer, you are able to plan better, and generally speaking, you are just better.
When you are in debt, your debt will seem huge, almost insurmountable. But you’ll manage to get out of the rut. “How?” you may ask? I did it. By simply repeating and believing my daily mantra, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. But in all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path.”
It wasn’t easy. There were lots of scrimping, saving, and doing without. There were days when I really needed that Devon House ice-cream cone to take my worries away, and had to do without. But I trusted that one day, I would get over the hurdle. At times when it all seemed too unbearable, in the stillness, I heard a gentle whisper, “Be still and know that I am God”. Psalm 46:10.
So while you face this economic turmoil, take a moment. To be still. And to know… that He is God. You will make it out of the rut too.
It is so freeing when you have rid yourself of some form of baggage, whether it be emotional, financial or other. You are able to sleep better, you are able to think clearer, you are able to plan better, and generally speaking, you are just better.
When you are in debt, your debt will seem huge, almost insurmountable. But you’ll manage to get out of the rut. “How?” you may ask? I did it. By simply repeating and believing my daily mantra, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. But in all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path.”
It wasn’t easy. There were lots of scrimping, saving, and doing without. There were days when I really needed that Devon House ice-cream cone to take my worries away, and had to do without. But I trusted that one day, I would get over the hurdle. At times when it all seemed too unbearable, in the stillness, I heard a gentle whisper, “Be still and know that I am God”. Psalm 46:10.
So while you face this economic turmoil, take a moment. To be still. And to know… that He is God. You will make it out of the rut too.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Stop, Breathe and Relax
The past few months have been extremely difficult for me. Pursuing 2 modules of a Master’s Programme simultaneously, while working and juggling the needs and desires of self, family and friends has taken a serious toll on me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. So much so, that with three modules left before completing the MBA, I have found myself resolving to put off doing those three modules until next year this time, foregoing graduating with dear friends, foregoing the celebration that would no doubt come upon completion of an intense 19 month course.
Two evenings ago, after a stressful day, I sat in my car and had a good cry. I felt like I was a pot reaching my boiling point – so much to do, so much to accomplish in such little time, so much to understand, so much to deliver. So much.
This morning, I experienced those same feelings again. So much to do, so much to deliver, such little time.
In a frantic state, I e-mailed my lecturer, requesting his telephone number so I could speak with him. He e-mailed me back offering to call me. As I responded to him in another e-mail, I started to express how I was feeling, and as I typed, it occurred to me that I was feeling better by the minute.
I revisited what happened from when I started to type my response to him, to when I started to feel better. The first thing I did was take a break from the research I was conducting and e-mailed him. I stopped.
I stopped feeding the task at hand with frantic energy.
Before responding to him, I took a deep breath and then exhaled. I breathed. An in that breath, in that moment, I relaxed. Then I began my response to him.
Though it has been one hour since I relaxed, I still feel the need to take a complete break from this Programme. Sunday will mark the last day of the current module and I am seriously contemplating deferring until next year November – for my piece of mind, for my sanity, for my health, for me.
Two evenings ago, after a stressful day, I sat in my car and had a good cry. I felt like I was a pot reaching my boiling point – so much to do, so much to accomplish in such little time, so much to understand, so much to deliver. So much.
This morning, I experienced those same feelings again. So much to do, so much to deliver, such little time.
In a frantic state, I e-mailed my lecturer, requesting his telephone number so I could speak with him. He e-mailed me back offering to call me. As I responded to him in another e-mail, I started to express how I was feeling, and as I typed, it occurred to me that I was feeling better by the minute.
I revisited what happened from when I started to type my response to him, to when I started to feel better. The first thing I did was take a break from the research I was conducting and e-mailed him. I stopped.
I stopped feeding the task at hand with frantic energy.
Before responding to him, I took a deep breath and then exhaled. I breathed. An in that breath, in that moment, I relaxed. Then I began my response to him.
Though it has been one hour since I relaxed, I still feel the need to take a complete break from this Programme. Sunday will mark the last day of the current module and I am seriously contemplating deferring until next year November – for my piece of mind, for my sanity, for my health, for me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
When Messages Reach The Unintended Recipient
A funny thing happened last evening. It was Saturday night and my study group met to finalise a presentation we were to make in class the following day. One group member was out sick, so four of us met to tackle the assignment at hand.
At around 6:30pm, I got a call from my hairstylist informing me that she was now ready to see me. After the phone call, I announced to the group that I had to leave as I would be out of town next week, and wanted my hair to be manageable, Without my visit to my stylist on that night, I could just forget about manageability of my hair.
After getting home at 9:00pm that night, I opened my e-mail to the following unedited mail:-
“another JOKE....camille says she has to leave to go to the hair dresser cuz she has to go out ofd town on monday. im dying...this is totally hialriuos....I just announced im not speaking tomorrow..so they better sort them self out ..... I will keep u posted. Nik is doing such a good job at managing us....she adorable.
Nik says she will start off the discussions...... and dodge and cam need to be there to speak also....
this is so funnyyyyy....them wont even say mek them go home and take the presentation and study it......
ms camille goin hair dresser ..so she cool “
It seems that one of my group members tried to send this e-mail to the group member that was absent, giving her blow-by-blow commentary on what was taking place in the meeting.
I must admit I was livid upon reading it, and I immediately fired off the following e-mail to the original sender:-
“(name of individual),
This was probably sent to me in error.
Camille”
I went to bed with an upset spirit. My thought was, “if she had a problem with me going to the hairstylist, why not say so to me last night? Why be so ‘underhanded’ and ‘gossipy?
I felt angry beyond words. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind!
I woke up this morning with the same feeling. I went to class and saw her face, and became increasingly angry. I later checked my e-mail and saw where her latest response to me was, “Maybe, maybe not”.
I laughed, and in that moment, I recognised that my response (laughter) was a conscious choice that I made. I refused to allow her to further get my goat. I had a wonderful day, leaving that person in her space, and I revelled in mine.
At times, things get to you so much that you are blinded by rage. Choose today to laugh instead of taking ‘it’ on. Never allow anyone (particularly those not worth it), to get you angry. Thanks to my friend Marguerite, I am now spending the remainder of my week ... Free and Laughing.
At around 6:30pm, I got a call from my hairstylist informing me that she was now ready to see me. After the phone call, I announced to the group that I had to leave as I would be out of town next week, and wanted my hair to be manageable, Without my visit to my stylist on that night, I could just forget about manageability of my hair.
After getting home at 9:00pm that night, I opened my e-mail to the following unedited mail:-
“another JOKE....camille says she has to leave to go to the hair dresser cuz she has to go out ofd town on monday. im dying...this is totally hialriuos....I just announced im not speaking tomorrow..so they better sort them self out ..... I will keep u posted. Nik is doing such a good job at managing us....she adorable.
Nik says she will start off the discussions...... and dodge and cam need to be there to speak also....
this is so funnyyyyy....them wont even say mek them go home and take the presentation and study it......
ms camille goin hair dresser ..so she cool “
It seems that one of my group members tried to send this e-mail to the group member that was absent, giving her blow-by-blow commentary on what was taking place in the meeting.
I must admit I was livid upon reading it, and I immediately fired off the following e-mail to the original sender:-
“(name of individual),
This was probably sent to me in error.
Camille”
I went to bed with an upset spirit. My thought was, “if she had a problem with me going to the hairstylist, why not say so to me last night? Why be so ‘underhanded’ and ‘gossipy?
I felt angry beyond words. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind!
I woke up this morning with the same feeling. I went to class and saw her face, and became increasingly angry. I later checked my e-mail and saw where her latest response to me was, “Maybe, maybe not”.
I laughed, and in that moment, I recognised that my response (laughter) was a conscious choice that I made. I refused to allow her to further get my goat. I had a wonderful day, leaving that person in her space, and I revelled in mine.
At times, things get to you so much that you are blinded by rage. Choose today to laugh instead of taking ‘it’ on. Never allow anyone (particularly those not worth it), to get you angry. Thanks to my friend Marguerite, I am now spending the remainder of my week ... Free and Laughing.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Jamaican Pride
As I watch the 9th staging of the IAAF games this year being held in Berlin, I beam with pride. Our Jamaican athletes are doing so well. Today, Jamaica holds the most medals – and we are poised to have at least 2 more added to the count.
I beamed with pride when Usain Bolt smashed his own record in both the 100m and 200m events. I beamed with pride when Melaine Walker won the gold in the 400m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Asafa Powell took the bronze medal in the 100m. I beamed with pride and cried along with Bridgitte Foster-Hylton when she won the gold medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Deloreen Ennis-London copped the bronze medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Shelly-Ann Fraser won the 100m and I beamed even brighter when Kerron Stewart won the silver medal in the same race. With all that said, I am outshining and out-beaming the sun.
It is a joy to watch as our flag is raised in the stadium in Berlin, and listen to our national anthem, “Jamaica, land we love”. It is a beauty to see the love and support the fans have for the Jamaican athletes. Everyone now wants a piece of Jamaica!
I continued to beam this morning when I logged on to msn and there listed as the most searched people, was our very own, Usain Bolt! What a joy! What pride I feel! I’ve used the word ‘pride’ eight times so far, because I can’t think of another word that would capture exactly how I feel.
As I revel in the excitement around me, and anticipate the running of the women’s 200m and the relays, I grin from ear to ear. My eyes light up. I stand taller. My shoulders are back. My chest is out. I’m bubbling inside. All because of my Jamaican pride.
I beamed with pride when Usain Bolt smashed his own record in both the 100m and 200m events. I beamed with pride when Melaine Walker won the gold in the 400m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Asafa Powell took the bronze medal in the 100m. I beamed with pride and cried along with Bridgitte Foster-Hylton when she won the gold medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Deloreen Ennis-London copped the bronze medal in the 100m hurdles. I beamed with pride when Shelly-Ann Fraser won the 100m and I beamed even brighter when Kerron Stewart won the silver medal in the same race. With all that said, I am outshining and out-beaming the sun.
It is a joy to watch as our flag is raised in the stadium in Berlin, and listen to our national anthem, “Jamaica, land we love”. It is a beauty to see the love and support the fans have for the Jamaican athletes. Everyone now wants a piece of Jamaica!
I continued to beam this morning when I logged on to msn and there listed as the most searched people, was our very own, Usain Bolt! What a joy! What pride I feel! I’ve used the word ‘pride’ eight times so far, because I can’t think of another word that would capture exactly how I feel.
As I revel in the excitement around me, and anticipate the running of the women’s 200m and the relays, I grin from ear to ear. My eyes light up. I stand taller. My shoulders are back. My chest is out. I’m bubbling inside. All because of my Jamaican pride.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Inauthenticity
My Wednesday nights are mine. Mine alone. Mine for one reason. So You Think You Can Dance.
And last Wednesday, I was so blessed to have witnessed a Contemporary piece choreographed by Tyce Diorio and performed by top 6 finalists, Ade and Melissa.
This piece chronicles the life of a woman struggling with breast cancer. Though I have not gone on this journey with anyone, what I saw in the dance was Melissa and Ade separately dealing with the seven stages of grief:
1 - Shock & Denial
2 - Pain & Grief
3 - Anger & Barganing
4 - Depression, Rejection & Loneliness
5 - The Upward Turn
6 - Reconstruction & Working Through
7 - Acceptance & Hope
I have posted the link here and invite you to view this very moving piece:-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKxoCxalyWw&feature=related
And last Wednesday, I was so blessed to have witnessed a Contemporary piece choreographed by Tyce Diorio and performed by top 6 finalists, Ade and Melissa.
This piece chronicles the life of a woman struggling with breast cancer. Though I have not gone on this journey with anyone, what I saw in the dance was Melissa and Ade separately dealing with the seven stages of grief:
1 - Shock & Denial
2 - Pain & Grief
3 - Anger & Barganing
4 - Depression, Rejection & Loneliness
5 - The Upward Turn
6 - Reconstruction & Working Through
7 - Acceptance & Hope
I have posted the link here and invite you to view this very moving piece:-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKxoCxalyWw&feature=related
During the execution of the piece, I found myself tearing up, but I held back, because of the presence of my boyfriend. He has often told me that he sees me as strength personified - through adversities, I have kept my composure and I have persevered through all obstacles. I feared that if he saw me crying, he would think less of me.
I happened to be at my dear friend Sandra's home on Thursday night, and we watched the elimination show together. We both discussed the effect the piece had on us, and I admitted that I held back my tears, because of my boyfriend's presence. Sandra, who is just as (if not more) emotional than me, had cried (bawled, as she put it), and after listening to how I handled the piece, simply asked, "But Camille, isn't that being inauthentic?" And she was right. I was being inauthentic on Wednesday night. I felt moved to tears but held back, because of the ego. It is so good to have friends who are in the same space as you are. Friends who are not afraid to coach you into seeing things and situations for what they are. Friends who are not afraid to point out that maybe, just maybe, you handled a situation from an unconscious place.
Today I had a discussion with my boyfriend about how I felt on Wednesday night, and admitted to him that I so wanted to cry. That I too, am human. I too am vulnerable. I too am imperfect. He was very supportive, admitting that he had not realised that the demeanour I had put on was a mask. He was fooled then, but now expressed his love for and support of me, by stating that crying isn't a sign of weakness and I should never feel that I can't cry in his presence if I wanted or needed to. I exhaled and looked at the piece again, and this time - I cried.
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