Letting Go Of Unhealthy Friendships

Strong, healthy friendship enriches your life. It doesn't make you suffer or overburden you. While it's important to treasure your good friends - to make time for them, listen, laugh and cry together - it's just as important to know when it's time to let certain friendships go.

Sometimes, we stay in friendships long past their expiration dates. Today, I was faced with the question of whether a ‘friend’ was really worth my time or investment. To get to the answer, I had to ask myself, “Does this person…:-

· Consistently hurt my feelings?
· Waste my time by not calling when they said they would?
· Offer friendship only at their convenience?
· Express little interest in what’s going on in my life?

After answering these and a host of other questions, I realised it is time to end the relationship. I listened and paid attention to all the things this person didn’t say. This person’s behaviour tells me that the relationship is unsalvageable and it is time to leave the friendship behind.

It isn’t an easy decision to make. In fact, one of the toughest things to do is to close the door on a friendship. But everyone has value and everyone who gives their gift of friendship to another individual deserves to get the same respect in return. If one person is doing all of the giving and the other doing all of the taking, there is no friendship.

Closing the door means no more contact, no more phone calls, and no more thinking about the person. I no longer care about their welfare. I know that I will never see or speak to this person again and whatever friendship I once had will remain only in the past. As time goes by it will become a distant memory until it ceases altogether. It’s like a funeral – I am saying goodbye forever to someone I once cared for. It's really tough. But as much as we hate to bury our loved ones, we know that the funeral is necessary. It is essential for us to say goodbye and begin our own healing process. Most people cry at funerals and for good reasons. They are saying goodbye to a part of their past. They do not grieve for the one who is dead, but for themselves. For all the things left unsaid. For all the promises not kept. And because they will miss them so very much. Hanging on to a friendship that is one sided and hurtful is like hanging onto a corpse. At the very least, it's unhealthy. At a certain point, you have to be able to let go and realize that the friendship is over for good and the door must be shut.

It takes courage to shut the door on a friendship, but it is also a liberating experience. I no longer have the burden of dealing with a friendship that is not there and I no longer have to worry about getting my hopes dashed. It hurts, but it’ll hurt only for a while. Only for a while.

All Is Going According To Plan

"All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."

This message which I received today is very powerful. It takes me back to centre. It reconnects me with myself. It reconnects me with God.

Over the past few months, my life has been uprooted by emotional and physical turmoil. It was very difficult living in that ‘present’, but I did it. I had to. I had no choice but to acknowledge the changes that God felt was right for me, accept them, and believe that my life was unfolding as it should.

Today, a new challenge was thrown my way – hit me from left field – out of the blue. As I consider the situation, not making any plans for my ‘next move’, I trust that again, all is unfolding as it should. It gets difficult as you deal with everything life has to offer – relationships, events, everything. But the way I see it, all is going according to plan. There is a bigger picture. Life is unfolding as it should.

For My Sisters

Three friends of mine are going through difficult periods in their lives. Each situation defers from the other, but the one constant throughout, is a sense of near defeat. Near surrender. I hear the sighs of frustration and the tone of worry. Over the past few days have been consumed with praying for each one and praying for the right outcome in their situations Today I send them positive energy and say to them:-

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petition and praises shape your worries, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good will come and settle you down.

It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the centre of your life. I know. I am living testament.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be a beautiful new day filled with amazing opportunities. When I go to sleep tonight my body, my mind, and my soul will be rejuvenated so when I awake tomorrow, I will be refreshed and open to enjoying all of the amazing adventures that await me.

This is my nightly affirmation.

Today was a rough day, but I look forward to tomorrow. I look forward to all the wonderful conversations, all the enlightening interactions, all the amazing experiences.

Today's conversations and experiences happened for a purpose. But as I head home I will be free from it.

I am at peace with this day.

I choose to release this day. And do nothing but eagerly look forward to the joys that tomorrow will bring.

Fake It 'Til You Make It

Sometimes your mind can be a hard thing to change once it’s already been set on one particular scenario. But there is a trick that has been utilized (with success) for quite some time called ‘fake it ’til you make it’.

In order to ‘fake it’, you need to continue reminding yourself that something other than what your mind believes will happen can happen.

For instance, if you believe that you are destined to live a life of misery and pain, you are destined to live a life of misery and pain. However, each time your mind wants to tell you that you’re destined to live a life of misery and pain, tell yourself that you are destined for greatness. You are destined to live a fulfilling and complete life. You are destined to experience joy in every facet of your life.

Tell yourself that happiness is your birthright.

Fake it, 'til you make it!

All Is Well. Always.

Over the past few weeks, a new perspective has been revealed.

At some point, worry had ensued, and at times, panic. But after taking a few deep breaths and a gentle reminder that all is well, the problems are resolving themselves.

So, when you’re faced with something that seems troubling or as if a problem doesn’t have a solution, gently remind yourself that all is well. Always.

So affirm today, and whilst you are in the midst of a storm that in very situation, all is well. Always.

Emotional Detachment

After recently finding myself in a space of emotional detachment, I was moved today to really consider the effects of this state. What are the positive aspects of being emotionally detached from a person or a situation? What are the negative aspects, if any?

Emotional detachment refers to the act of disengaging from a dependent relationship with a person, thing or event. It is developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance or boundary from someone or something that you had previously given a lot of power to affect you. It is a state of "checking out" emotionally.

In this state, you are no longer affected by the outcomes of the actions or decisions of another. You release it. You are totally unaffected.

Does this mean that you don't care? Of course not. It simply means that you care more about your healthy survival than an unhealthy existence.

Will you ever regain that emotional connection? Possibly. Only time will tell.

But until you get that answer, reconnect with yourself. Be emotionally available to yourself. Love yourself. Appreciate who you are. Be concerned about no one but you. Be present and acknowledge the beauty and perfection of you.

Live today for no one but you.

Love...And Fear?

Have you ever been in love? Selflessly, wholeheartedly and unconditionally in love? Have you experienced a time when you feel so much a part of someone that you feel like they are a second layer of skin? Have you felt like you've met your soul mate? Have you ever felt raw, pure, undiluted love?

I woke up this morning, frantic. Full of hope, yet full of fear. Excited, yet afraid. Strong, yet weak. I woke up this morning realising that I am in love.

It is such a strange feeling. You love, but at the same time, you feel vulnerable - afraid to openly commit, afraid to love, afraid of what may be, or afraid of what may not be. You want to step out on that ledge, but fear grips you. What if the ledge gives way from beneath you? What if you fall so many feet to the ground that you are hurt? So hurt you may never walk again? So hurt, you never love again?

I spent some time this morning frantically calling my two closest friends, wanting some reassurance that I am not going crazy. Wanting some reassurance that they will not have me committed. Wanting some reassurance that what I am feeling is real - and normal.

I was struck when one of them said to me, "Camille, enjoy the feeling".

And in that moment, I realised that instead of focusing on how alive I had been feeling all morning, I spent my entire morning worrying and living in fear of what I was feeling. Why is it so hard to just enjoy what God has given you? Why is it so difficult to accept freely what the universe has provided or given? Why must we feel that we are not worthy of feeling alive with joy, hope, love and anticipation?

I think that's what it boils down to - we think that we are not worthy of feeling the very intense emotions we feel. An emotion so intense as love. And so we resist it and sub-consciously find ways to mess it up. We over-analyse our feelings and make incorrect interpretations and judgments.

So the question is, can we really fear love? Is it truly love if we live in fear? As I type, I am closer to understand that love and fear are two completely different emotions. On love's side there is joy, peacefulness, happiness, forgiveness, and a host of others. On the other hand, fear reflects hate, depression, guilt, inadequacy, discontentment, prejudice, anger, attack, and so on. These two emotions are incapable of co-existing. Where there is one, the other cannot be also.

One will leave immediately, should the other enter its presence. When I am experiencing great joy, and am suddenly overtaken by fear, the joy is gone. And if I am terrorized, frightened, or otherwise threatened in any way, I just need to turn to the love within, and the fear disappears.

Learning to make the active choice to love and not fear in every situation is the way to find inner peace. And learning to accept God's gifts and grace is another way of finding inner peace.

I declare today that I will relinquish the fear - the fear of being hurt, the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of disappointment and the fear of falling. Today I declare that from now on I will do one thing...One thing only...

Today, I will simply "enjoy it".

Love and Cherish People and Moments

Take a moment to imagine the situation I am about to describe. It may be graphic, but please indulge me.

Imagine that you came face-to-face with a killer. One who is pointing a gun at you. You, too are armed, and in that situation, it's "kill, or be killed". The face(s) of your child(ren) if you have any flash before your eyes. The faces of your loved ones flash before your eyes. What do you do? Do you pull that trigger?

This "imagined" scenario brings forth, a psychological stress that I have never felt before. One that I would never like to experience. And so I can only imagine what our soldiers and policemen are currently feeling. I can only imagine what a friend of mine is going through right now.

While I do not profess to know about the intricacies or psychological and physiological effects of of combat on persons who have to go in combat occassionally, I do know that when a situation such as the one described above hits so close to home, it puts you in a different place.

You now cherish the moments you are with, or speak with people. You try your very best to avoid confrontations or arguments with people. You manage your time and your effort. Instead of allowing external events and pressures control you, you make deliberate choices about the use of your time and your energy.

I am reminded of a quote by Ninon de Lenclos, "Today a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion, everything invites me to cherish it."

So today I make a conscious decision to love. Love with wanton abandon. Cherish. Cherish people as if my life depended on it.

Today I forget all labels. Today, I simply love.

Consciousness

My friend who is a member of the Jamaica Constabulary Force found himself in a state of near depression. He has gone through every emotion known to man over the past few weeks. Anger. Frustration. Hopefulness. Disappointment.

Today he is numb. Numb because over a two week period, he has seen 7 dead bodies. Numb because witnesses to murders refuse to come forward. Numb because of the generalisation he faces as a member of the police force. Numb because of the tears he has seen and the wails he has heard from relatives of victims whose lives have been senselessly cut short. Numb because his life (and the future of his son) has been threatened by refuted gang leaders.

I go to work everyday, and my frustration comes from unanswered e-mails - not from viewing or identifying dead bodies. My fear comes from the supposition that an earthquake will strike and I will be trapped in my office for hours, or even days. His fear (if he has any) is possibly that he is targetted because of the uniform he is required to wear. He goes to work each day, vowing to serve and protect people like me and you. How different are our worlds.

I felt his pain today.

As a people, we are devoid of consciousness. Someone put it best a few years ago. We are asleep. So deep in sleep, that we lack love, respect and compassion for our fellow humans. So deep in sleep that we turn a blind eye to the needs and cries of others. We live our lives in fear, rather than how it was intended that we live it. With pure joy. With wanton abandon. Filled with love for each other. Fearless. Remember when you were around 3 years old? You had no fears. You played and laughed all day. You hugged your parents and other members of your family. Why can't we live that way today?

We are all interconnected and so we are affected by the actions of others. My friend loves his job and his counry and cries out for a change. He yearns for the day, month and year, that that we will no longer be plagued by senseless killings.

I listened to his pleas this morning, and it hurt to know that there was nothing I could do or say to ease the pain. There were no promises I could make that could guarantee a brighter tomorrow.

All we can do is pray that it gets better. Channel our energies on positives (even in the midst of despair) and awaken our inner peace. So as we become aware of our thoughts as they arise and pass through our minds, we must not let them sweep us away. We must just remain focused and uninvolved with them. Let Christ-like actions and thoughts reign supreme and take ourselves away from negativity. We must be the light that we want the world to follow.

Graduation Day

Today is Graduation Day.

A day that my hard work and perseverance (or stick-to-it-iveness) is recognized. A day I am officially recognized as Camille O. Spaulding, MBA.

As I mentioned in previous posts, it was a long and challenging journey. A journey filled with ups and downs. Downs included the loss of a job and subsequent closure of Growth Facilitators where I previously worked. Ups included the birth of my niece and joining a great company, having a wonderful boss, so full of integrity, and an awesome team.

Today is not just Graduation Day. It is also a day that I celebrate and humbly acknowledge the people who contributed so significantly to where I am today and who played a great part in how I actually got here:-

• Marguerite Orane and Robert Wynter, Partners of Growth Facilitators, and the rest of the GF team - Ulla, Sharon, Carole, Elaine and Mr. Smith who were there when this journey began. Sadly, GF is no longer in existence, but each of these people hold a very special place in my heart



• My mom, dad and brothers and sister who were so supportive and understanding of my missing out on spending weekends with them because, "I have class", or "I have an exam", or "I have a group meeting". My sister missed out on many dates because I was unable to take her to and fro



• My sisters in life and beyond, Kirsten and Althea. Though we are not connected by blood, we are connected by the memories that we share



• My partner, Donald who patiently sat through my online exams, my vetting of assignments, my anxiety over exams and results, and additional stresses and anxieties over financial deadlines. Donald knows more than anyone everything I went through in order to be here and he has been so supportive. A pillar of strength. He was understanding when I was unable to give of myself because I was mentally, physically and emotionally drained. At times, he put aside his own stresses, just so he could be emotionally and physically available for me. At times I heard of his issues long after the fact, because he kept them to himself, unwilling to perturb me while I had exams on my mind



• Other friends like Sandra Cooper, who was always there for me - always available, with a listening ear, words of wisdom and words of comfort



• I give thanks for everyone else who are connected to me, but were not mentioned here. They will always have my love and respect for being with me in spirit and thought.

And so today, as I collect my Degree, I will celebrate everyone in my life. I will celebrate their love for and support of me. Because without them, and God's blessing and grace, I would not be here.

With all my love,

Camille.

Unfinished Chapters

The beauty of the phenomenon that is Facebook. Through Facebook, I was recently contacted by a friend who I lost connection with many, many years ago. Since then, we have spent hours catching up on each other’s lives.

The issue is that, our friendship seemed to end very suddenly and unexpectedly then. Not because of drama – no clothes on the front lawn, no threatening texts or voice messages, no stalking. We simply lost touch.

And now here we are, back in each other’s lives – miraculously, as if it was destined to be so. Now. Not 5 years ago, and not 5 years later. Now.

We manage our emotions, respecting each other and respecting each other’s positions. We are both undeniably ecstatic to be in touch once again – fearing that if we don’t speak at least once a day, we may lose contact again.

There is a lot to say, but do we both really want to finish this chapter? Do we absolutely have to?


What we are certain of is that we will remain what we have always been, and what we always will be, even whilst out of touch – friends who love and respect each other, friends who will be truthful to one another and friends who are unconditionally loyal and supportive to each other.

The chapter may continue, but unlike a novel, this chapter will never end.